The Pretender

Abraham Lincoln

I am not bound to win but I am bound
to be true. I am not bound to succeed
but I am bound to live up to what light
I have. I must stand with anybody
that stands right; stand with them while
they are right and part with them when
they go wrong.

"The Pretender"

Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began

Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in... again
They need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are ever ready
Are you ready?
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense

Spinning infinity, boy
The wheel is spinning me
It's never-ending, never-ending
Same old story

[Chorus (x2):]
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

In time or so I'm told
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print
We are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story

[Chorus x2]

I'm the voice inside your head
You refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face
Mirrored in your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right
I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down
Bring you to your knees

So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?

Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend

[Chorus x2]

[x2]
What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all... pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?





You may notice a bit of a common theme in many of my posts.  I read somewhere that music is what feelings sound like.  In my online journalling (this blog) I sometimes am stumped to describe my feelings but find a certain song resonating in me so strongly that I can use it as a catalyst to open up and release my feelings.


Does this happen to you.  Maybe you hear a certain song and suddenly you are 16 years old and feeling those intense 16 year old feelings. In my mid twenties I lived in Sydney for about 4 months.  I love to live in different places but my strong family ties like a rubber band will only stretch so far before snapping and sending me back to home.  When I talk of home it is not necessarily a house but just where my family are. Now back to Sydney.  I was feeling homesick and just barely over the sound of a lawn mower I could hear a neighbour's radio on a tinny AM station.  A Glen Campbell song came on, pretty sure it was Rhinestone Cowboy and OMG I was a little girl again.  The sound of that lawnmower and that song took me back to a time where I felt safe, nurtured, and living in the loving cocoon of home.


Last night I watched the Foo Fighters' song Pretender on youtube. My son, who I must say has awesome taste in music, loves this song.  I really listened to the words and thought how powerful they were.  I felt the need to play that song really loud and start screaming out those words in a fiery anger filled fury.  I don't want to be the pretender anymore.  I will live my life the way I want to live it.  There will be no stopping me.


As Shakespeare wrote 'to thine ownself be true'.  That is all I have to do.  All of this year, during my time in hospital and in therapy with my psychiatrist I have dwelt on hurts from days of old.  As soon as I leave this hospital, no more!  I am going to concentrate on the here and now.  I am also going to explore Buddhism as they too concentrate on the here and now.  They don't judge, they accept and that is going to be me.


No more masks, costumes and pretending.  This is me.  This is who I am.  For each and every day I will live in the moment and I will aim to not judge and to accept.   


Remember the people we are quickest to judge are probably the people who are more in need of our acceptance then anybody else.


Take care, look after one person today.
Laura
xx