Thursday, April 28, 2011
Are we there yet?
When you are staying in a hospital whether it is for medical or mental reasons, you are staying in what can only be called clinical accommodation. There is no sense of reality. I can really only speak of my stay in a psych hospital. You are there to recover, to heal, to regroup, to gather your sense of reality and to put yourself back together.
Every person's journey to mental wellness is different. You all have to walk the rocky path, take the prickles from your feet and continue. Nobody can do it for you. Whilst you are in hospital, you are not facing the everyday challenges you must face at home. This at first is good. Particularly if like me, you were burnt out. But eventually, real life must again become a part of your life and your life must become a part of real life.
Until just over a week ago, I had spent a total of 17 days of 2011 as an outpatient. I was very unwell. Coming home the first time I thought I was ready. Slight hiccup and I was back in hospital for a few more weeks. This time the coming home has been much more successful, but it is not all roses. I have still had to face demons, deal with scary situations and face people. All types of people, strangers, family, friends, acquaintances you name it. Some were easier than others.
Sometimes it was very hard. Your perception is all warped and distorted when you are mentally unwell. You are paranoid. You think everyone is looking at you, talking about you, hating you. Quite ridiculous really. Most people are far too busy to give you even the smallest of thoughts. Even though I am out of hospital at times I still feel this paranoia. This is my problem not other peoples. How I get over it - well I do not know the answer for that. Just remember, if you see me and I am acting out of character than I am perhaps feeling intimidated and worried. Worried that you think I am a failure, a nut, a basket case. Silly me. I shouldn't worry, when in fact you most likely have not seen me, or if you have thought oh there is Laura haven't seen her for awhile
I am not behaving badly, I don't intend to hurt anyone's feelings but I am not sure of how to deal with the situation. Plain and simple. Don't take it personlly. Just remember I don't get even, I get odder.
Soon, soon, soon, I will be there. It is still destination unknown, but my compass is no longer spinning wildly out of control. I am heading somewhere.