Wednesday, September 21, 2011

That Damn Grain of Sand

It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe.

Why is it always the little things get you down and yet we can magnificently rise to the occasion when it is something huge.

I just had a meeting with my psych nurse and she brought up an interesting point.  She asked me what my childhood was like.  I am very lucky, I had a very normal trauma free childhood.  She asked me was I disappointed much during childhood and I could honestly answer no I wasn't.  She believes that whilst this is idyllic it also means you may not have the life skills required to help you when you are older and most likely facing disappointment during your life. So Mum & Dad it is all your fault I am a fuck up now.   (Just jokes of course)

We also talked about setting some very small goals and use the SCRAM technique when setting daily goals.  This means the goals are SPECIFIC, CLEAR, REALISTIC, ACHIEVABLE & MEASURABLE. And then also acknowledging your accomplishment as well.  I know this sounds like common sense to most but when you have fallen so far from the path and your past year has been filled with fear of failure and you are frozen because you are so overwhelmed; it is wonderful to be coached and encouraged to help you reach your potential.  Remember don't set the bar too high and always acknowledge what you do do rather then what you don't.

So now with my husband's help I am going to keep a goal journal and daily set myself small tasks.  I will use the SCRAM technique and I will review this constantly.  I think this will really help me get back on track with some of the more simple, mundane household tasks that have fallen into my poor husband's domain this past year.

I really am determined to get my life back on track.  I don't want to continue to feel this way.  I will work as hard as is needed and I will come through this.

As Tom Petty would sing:

‎"Well I won't back down, no I won't back down You could stand me up against the gates of hell But I won't back down.... Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down Gonna stand my ground and I won't back down... Well I know what's right, I got just one life In a world that keeps pushin' me around But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down" Tom Petty - "I Won't back Down"

Monday, September 19, 2011

‎"Enough is abundance to the wise." Euripides

At the end of your life you will know that nothing you have done will matter - only who you have been while you have done it. Have you been happy? Have you been caring, and compassionate, and considerate of others? You will see that it is who you have been, not what you have done, that matters to your soul. ~Neale Donald Walsch

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
― Maya Angelou

It does not take much to show support and understanding to someone in need.  At the very least you do nothing.  Kind words are a balm but if you don't have it in you why stoop to inflicting pain.  Afterall, we are all human and we are all frail.  We all at some point will make mistakes but we can still make a difference in someone's life.

I would like to thank all my family and friends (you know who you are) who have been there for me this year.  It is only in the darkness that a beacon of light will shine.

Cindy Lauper - True Colours Lyrics 

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged, though i realize it's hard to
take courage in a world, full of people,
you can lose sight of it
And the darkness inside you
will make you feel so small

But I see your true colors, shining through
I see your true colors, and that's why I love you
So don't be afraid, to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful, like a rainbow

Show me a smile, don't be unhappy
I can't remember when i last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy and
you've taken in all you can bare
You call me up- because you know I'll be there

(Chorus x1)

I can't remember when I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
and you take in all you can bare
You call me up- because you know I'll be there

And I see your true colors, shining through
I see your true colors and thats why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors,
True colors, are shining through
I see your true colors and that's why i love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful, like a rainbow 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Wise Words

People seem not to see that their opinion of the world
is also a confession of character. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Such wise words.   Similar to Mahatma Ghandi's "be the change you wish to see in the world"

I don't understand people who feel the need to denigrate others simply to make themselves appear bigger and thus inflating their opinion of themselves.  Ultimately, they must think very little of themselves to resort to this poor behaviour.

Really all they accomplish is revealing their own shallow narrow minded characters.  These people and their followers simply add negativity into a world that needs people to be strong and independent, people who will not succumb to peer group pressure.   

These people will not accept bad behaviour in others and will not be dictated to either.  These people think for themselves and may seek the opinion of others but in the end will make up their own minds.  They will choose their friends based on there own opinion rather than relying on the here-say of others.

True friends then accept you and your short comings as they would expect you to accept their's. For in life none of us are perfect. And afterall, what kind of role model do you wish to be for your children.

It is really eye opening what you learn about people when you yourself have had challenges to deal with.  As painful as this has been for me, I think in the long run it is important that I learn from it and then let it go.  Life is about taking the good with the bad and fortunately, I still have so many good friends many of them have been life long.  For this reason the bad simply shall become unimportant and just another lesson in my life.

I hope these words can help any person who has found themselves at some stage in their life to have had to deal with false and untrue 'friends'.  Learn from their behaviour, model yourself as a friend on what you wish for in a friend and then move on. 

Take care, 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I am grateful for

Friends who have stuck by me.  These friends have been understanding, supportive and completely non-judgmental.  Having a breakdown certainly sorts the chaff from the wheat.

I am grateful for my darling husband.  We have been married for 10 years and we are still as madly in love as the day we married.

I am grateful for my totally wonderful and gorgeous children.  They give me endless joy.  I am so proud of them.

I am grateful for family who have gone over, above and beyond.  Thank you thank you thank you.

I am grateful for a great psych team.  This includes a hospital that has supported me quite a lot this year.  A proactive psychiatrist and a psych nurse who makes home visits bless her soul.

Writing this list has instilled in my how rich and abundant my life is.  I have so much to be grateful for and every day I say thank you.

Monday, September 12, 2011

9/11 Will Never Be Just Another Day

Like any momentous occasion unless you were too young or not born every person in the Western World can tell you where they were when the World Trade Centre, NYC was attacked.

I remember it was quite early in the morning here and my Mum rang and said quick turn on the tv.  My husband was still in his pyjamas, I was three months pregnant with Clay.  After the second tower was struck I can remember I begged my husband to stay home from work.  You see I was terrified the whole world was under attack.

It was such a traumatic even and I was in Brisbane, Australia.  I can't even begin to imagine how a New Yorker felt.  I remember telling my husband if anything further happened he was to come straight home from work.  Being pregnant and hormonal didn't help.

Every year I think of that time and in turn think of the victims and their families.  So brave and strong.

It may be the 10th anniversary but it still feels like yesterday.  All I can think and hope is that we never have to endure anything so traumatic again.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Doctor Doctor Gimme the News

Tomorrow, we have an appointment with Clay's paediatrician.  He works in the Mater Behavioural Unit (read autism).  Realistically and rationally you know the appointment will be the same old same old.  You will talk about how he is going on his medication.  Talk about his behaviour and any concerns you have and that will be about it.  But leading up to each appointment (usually every six months) you will have a small spark of hope.  Hope for a cure or just even answers.  This hope is never ever fulfilled.

I am sure this is something any parent of a special needs child goes through.  It is not fun let me tell you.  After the appointment, you feel disappointment.  WHY can the doctor not give you what you want.

Tomorrow, we are asking for a referral to a children's psychiatrist.  Clay has pretty severe OCD.  He is obsessed with the weather and terrified of storms.  This obsession and fear is getting worse the older he gets. Hopefully, a psychiatrist will be able to teach us some tools to use with Clay to help him overcome the fears and perhaps make the OCD not so all-consuming.

Wish us luck.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Withdrawal Symptoms

Did you know that when you change or wean yourself off anti-depressant medication there is a strong possibility you will get withdrawal symptoms.  I am currently weaning off one medication and changing to another one.  This weaning off process has been much more painful and complex then I could ever possibly imagine.  I have had very bad nauseousness, headaches and flu like symptoms.

This is a totally necessary step in my continued quest for mental health wellness.

Yesterday, I met with my psychiatrist for the first time since leaving hospital.  We discussed my withdrawal symptoms and how I can combat them.  The only thing I can do is slow down the weaning process and also take medication to help ease the nauseousness and panadol to combat the flu like symptoms.

My doctor also wants me to start a weekly ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) maintenance program.  I did not hesitate in agreeing.  I have found ECT to be a miracle treatment for deep seated depression.  Since I completed the course of ECT I have felt so good and so stable.

So, I just need to overcome the withdrawal symptoms and I might for the first time in about eight years find what it feels like to be normal.  To not have depression and not be completely debilitated by depression.

I am thankful for the support I receive from family, friends and my children's school community.  This support makes a world of difference in dealing with life.

These are my beautiful children Clay & Ally at their school bush dance.