Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I think I can justly say I am brave. I have been brave for a long time and my body, my heart and soul are tired. I have written about my reasons for depression and anxiety. They are no secret so I will not harp on about them again. Being home for the month or so was both good and bad. Good that I was not in hospital but bad because I was barely functioning. Just simply going through the motions. You become quite good at wearing a mask when you are fighting depression.
This time I pray to anyone who will listen to please let me and my doctor get it right. I don't want to be here. I want to be home, I want to be with my family but I also want to be functioning and involved not just present.
So, have I been braver for five minutes longer - damn straight I have. I have been braver for far longer than that and I won't given in. Not now, not ever.
Monday, May 30, 2011
It was not my choice to come in, rather my Doctor's. He is not happy with my lack of progress and is now going to look at changing my medication. This is unexplored territory for me so I am terrified.
As always, through my whole illness I will be up front and honest about my progress. If this means you will be uncomfortable or not up for the ride, please don't read I won't mind. If you do continue to read, than thanks, it means a lot to have your support. Comments always welcome.
This week has started off bad already. Firstly the weather sucks. Grey, rainy, miserable. My kids have already been very challenging. No scrap that. Clay has already been challenging and the house looks like the end of a week not the beginning of one.
I have one day left of my 30 day affirmation challenge and will try very hard to make it a positive affirmation to finish it all off.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Posting tomorrow's blog tonight as am holding a stall at the markets tomorrow and will be too tired to bother tomorrow.
Certainly one thing I have always been able to do is laugh at myself, or maybe laugh with myself. Whatever the semantics I am good at it. Even in the depths of despair whilst in hospital I could honestly laugh at my situation and found something funny about being in a psychiatric hospital.
I think one of the funniest stories is when I found a screw on the floor beside my bed and realised it was missing from my breakfast/lunch/dinner tray which could now rotate 360 degrees without it. I took much pleasure in letting the nurse know I truly and physically did have a loose screw. He was a handy fellow that nurse as he laughingly came to my aid. I told him I bet it is the first time you could ruly (sic) and truly go home to your wife and tell her that you cured a patient of their loose screw.
My partner in crime (in hospital) and I got up to some mischief whilst there. We figured out we could lock the nurses in the drug dispensing room. They could not figure out how they were locked in. At some time there had been a barrel lock on the outside of the door and the locking mechanism had had the arm removed but we used a pen to slide it across and lock them in. Far out we scored some huge laughs from the patients that night. Fortunately, the nurses saw the funny side in it too.
We had many other laughs but I will leave that for another day. Laughing is the best thing you can do. It makes you feel so good. Even when tears are streaming down your face and your belly is aching from laughing it is the best feeling. Hope you guys get that feeling at times too.
I make good looking babies. I know I am bias but I think my children (as every Mother does) are pretty damn fine looking kids. I have even been told they should do modelling. Which I would never allow unless my kids asked specifically to do that. They wouldn't because they have no clue how beautiful and exquisite I think they are.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
I am doing a 12 week art course which I have competed three weeks of. I was ready to throw it all in as I was feeling very low and lacking in any confidence in myself. But, started an oil pastel drawing this week which I am about a third of the way through. I walk past it, do a double take and go WOW I did that. So, I am glad I have persevered.
I know a balanced life has ups and downs but I have lost all my ups. Just doing downs is not fun. You will laugh at this; I asked my psychiatrist why can't they use ecstasy as an anti-depressant. Afterall, it makes people feel good. He curtly replied a. it is an illicit drug b. it is very bad for you and c. it is addictive. Well fuck me. Most of the medication I am on is addictive and I might add all have side affects. Some of the side affects are that bad that you have to take other medication to alleviate these side affects. Fortunately, these side affects are not affecting me so I don't need to take this medication. Bonus I guess because that medicine that alleviates side affects also can present other side affects in you which you may need medication for also. aaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh.
Maybe, reading and knowing about what the drugs are and what they do to your body is not necessarily a good thing. But, I do like to know what my body is ingesting and what it means to my body both short term and long term.
Still in the gutter dudes, still looking at the stars.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
i've made myself so sick
i wish i'd stayed
i never thought this day would end
i never thought tonight could ever be
this close to me
just try to see in the dark
just try to make it work
to feel the fear before you're here
i make the shapes come much too close
i pull my eyes out
hold my breath
and wait until i shake...
but if i had your faith
then i could make it safe and clean
if only i was sure
that my head on the door was a dream
i've waited hours for this
i've made myself so sick
i wish i'd stayed asleep today
i never thought this day would end
i never thought tonight could ever be
this close to me
but if i had your face
then i could make it safe and clean
if only i was surethat my head on the doorwas a dream to
These are lyrics to a Cure song - Close to me. It is how I am feeling. The only difference is that I did stay asleep all day today. I just could not face the negative headtalk. I am so frustrated with myself. You would think that the CBT course, all the follow up, all the time I have spent thinking, talking and writing would see this if not gone than dwindling and becoming less and less.
I feel this struggle is just becoming harder than it was before. The only difference is I have names for what is happening and can use CBT skills to deal with it. BUT, they wolves' are still baying at the door. Nothing has changed, in fact I feel it is worse. I still feel numb. I feel like I am going through the motions and am not really here. I feel see through and invisible.
I am not happy about this. In fact I am downright livid. After what I have been through this year I expected things to be easing up and getting better. My husband and kids deserve better. I am just wasting space and it is not fair on them.
I don't have any answers, I pray tomorrow is a better day. Things can't possibly get worse.
Monday, May 23, 2011
C and I have decided to form a partnership to sell our beautiful hand made craft. We have called it Klik Klak Kreations. For no other reason than our names begin with C & L but we changed the C to a K just to make it a little different. We plan to make and sell greeting cards, felted art, felted fashion and accessories, art and also the most amazing Mandalas that C makes. When our website is up and running I will let you know. But you can find us on facebook here.
C is about to add some more pictures to our facebook page. Pictures of cards she has made in the past few days. I am looking forward to seeing them and drooling over their gorgeousness.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Thanks for working a huge day each day at work and then coming home and washing, folding and cleaning up. Thanks for cooking and stacking the dishwasher while I try to come to terms with life back home. It has been harder than I thought. Becoming accustomed to life out of hospital and that maybe this is how I might feel for the rest of my life.
I appreciate that you do this unquestioningly and without one word of complaint. You just accept that I am doing the best and believe me I really am trying. I am trying so very hard.
I am lucky that I have you and that you are so supportive. I know that the money worries bother you too but you just get on with it. I am sorry that I fought with you and that I find it so hard. But I appreciate you more than you will ever know.
Today is a bad day. Just getting up was like taking the mountain to Muhammad. But I am up and I have made my own breakfast so it is another day. A new day. And a day I will get through.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
We did also make some amazing and gorgeous greeting cards which I am too lazy to photograph today but promise I will later.
Friday, May 20, 2011
I believe what I write is worth reading. I would not say I am a great writer. I would love to be a great writer. But I believe I write well. At high school I was going to be a journalist. Ha. Famous last words. My laziness, impatience and impulsiveness saw that as a dream that was to never come to fruition.
In this day and age, and with blogging, we can all be journalists. It is an amazing way to comment topically, jump on your soap box, serialise your personal life or just be plain creative. Blogging is awesome. I love it. I follow and read many. There are many talented people out there. If you know of any great ones please also recommend them to me. A great blog is worthy of many followers.
As I write and I do write daily I find it makes me more interested in life. I become more interested in politics, the economy, the environment, education, you name it. It makes me think and be more decisive of my beliefs, whereas in the past I could be a bit of a fence sitter. I do tend to lean towards the left (much to my parents dismay) but that is me and I am entitled to my beliefs.
So, blogging has helped me become disciplined with my writing and more involved in the world and current events. This is not a bad thing. Being aware and being interested I believe makes you interesting. Hopefully, I am not a boring person who blah blah blahs on. But rather, someone who is curious, involved and a tad eccentric. If I am not, than that is what I want to be when I grow up.
What about you, what will you be when you grow up?
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
So today I am feeling very fragile. The house is a pig sty. I just want to eat chocolate and sleep but even that is too hard.
Today I am going to celebrate my beret. I bought it about 17 years ago. I paid a lot of money for it. It is 100% wool and it really does look good on me. I do good beret.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
It usually is about the only time we see each other as we all lead busy lives. ummm rephrase. They all lead busy lives. lol. My life is very quiet in comparison. I love these days. It is about friends who know all about each other and love each other.
I get a lot of strength from these days. The advice and friendship cannot be measured. These days are more valuable than any gold and I am so glad to have them.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
I had a lovely birthday. Quite spoiled really. A beautiful Dolce & Gabbana watch from my parents, a pandora charm and perfume from my sister, an itunes card and flowers from my lovely husband and kids. Plus two of my friends came over to be miserable with me and we actually got some house work done. Sacre Bleu! They also shouted Pizza Capers lunch for me.
And to cap it all off Mum made the most scrumptious roast pork meal for dinner and I enjoyed a simple glass of wine with it. Now hold on to your hats I was sated and did not want anymore wine. Double Sacre Bleu!
I am feeling older and have done so all year but I had a lovely day enjoying some lovely company and getting spoiled for my birthday.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Today is a real meh day for me. I am not really finding anything worth affirming. I am feeling quite down and despondent. Is this a battle I will have for the rest of my life. Will things ever really get better.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
1) Because we never thought that "doing it all" would mean doing this much. But we do do it all -- and then some.
2) Because we've discovered patience we never knew we had. And this has made us better people.
3) Because we are willing to do something 10 times, 100 times or 1,000 times if that's what it takes for our kids to learn something new.
4) Because we have heard doctors tell us the worst, and we've refused to believe them. Take THAT naysaying doctors of the world!
5) Because we have bad days and breakdowns and bawl-fests, and then we pick ourselves up and keep right on going.
6) Because we gracefully handle the stares, the comments, the rude remarks. (Well, mostly gracefully.) Um I am not sure mine is mostly graceful. More like on the odd occasion I have been graceful.
7) Because we manage to get ourselves together and get out the door looking pretty damn good. Heck, we even make sweatpants look good! Does pyjamas count?
8) Because we are strong. Man, are we strong. Who knew we could be this strong?
9) Because we aren't just moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs and women who work. We are moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, women who work, physical therapists, speech therapists, occupational therapists, teachers, researchers, nurses, coaches and cheerleaders. Whew!
10) Because we work overtime every single day.
11) Because we also worry overtime, but we work it through. Or we eat chocolate or Pirate's Booty or gourmet cheese or drink too much (which aren't reimbursable by insurance as mental-health necessities, but should be).
12) Because we are more selfless than other moms. Our kids need us more. I am not sure I agree with this one I think all Mum's are selfless
13) Because we give our kids with special needs endless love, and then we still have so much love left for our other kids, our husbands, our families. And our hairstylists, of course.
14) Because we inspire one another in this crazy blogosphere every single day.
15) Because we understand our kids better than anyone else -- even if they can't talk; even if they can't gesture; even if they can't look us in the eye. We know. We just know.
16) Because we never stop pushing for our kids.
17) Because we never stop hoping for them, either.
18) Because just when it seems like things are going OK, they're suddenly not OK, but we deal. Somehow, we always deal -- even when it seems like our heads or hearts might explode.
19) Because when we look at our kids, we just see great kids -- not kids with cerebral palsy/autism/Down syndrome/developmental delays/whatever.
20) Because ... well, you tell me. We fight, fall down, pick our selves up, dust ourselves off and start all over again.
Monday, May 9, 2011
|“If it is not right do not do it; if it is not true do not say it.”|
Marcus Aurelius quotes (Roman emperor, best known for his Meditations on Stoic philosophy, AD 121-180)
One of my most favourite of all quotes is from Shakespeare. 'To thine own self be true'. The full quote is This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day,Thou canst not then be false to any man.
I never have to worry what I say to anyone. I am open and honest. I am as incapable of telling a lie as I am of rotating my head 360degrees.
I am also always intent on trying to do the right thing. I don't belittle other people. I am patient and tolerant. I am kind and seek to help others be they stranger or friend.
If I don't like someone (and face it we can't all like everyone it just is not possible) than I just can't be bothered with them. I won't be unkind, I won't seek to hurt them or cast aspersions, I just can't be bothered. I am not two faced. I only have one face and the face you see; the feelings reflected in my eyes are the feelings I am experiencing. I will not go out of my way to greet and speak with them and act like their best friend. My actions mirror my feelings and I will not be and will never be untrue to who I am.
Another thing I like to say is if you can't be kind be silent and that is a rule I do live by. I will not speak out against another. I will though, defend my self and react to other people's actions as I am not a door mat.
So, in summing up. I think I can safely say with me what you see is what you get. My friends know this and they get it.