Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Affirmation Day 30

A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I think I can justly say I am brave.  I have been brave for a long time and my body, my heart and soul are tired.  I have written about my reasons for depression and anxiety.  They are no secret so I will not harp on about them again.  Being home for the month or so was both good and bad.  Good that I was not in hospital but bad because I was barely functioning.  Just simply going through the motions.  You become quite good at wearing a mask when you are fighting depression.

This time I pray to anyone who will listen to please let me and my doctor get it right.  I don't want to be here. I want to be home, I want to be with my family but I also want to be functioning and involved not just present.

So, have I been braver for five minutes longer - damn straight I have.  I have been braver for far longer than that and I won't given in. Not now, not ever.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Heart sick

The worst that I could imagine has happened.  I am back in hospital.  I feel sick in the heart and stomach.  As I write this my kids will be finding out also.  I feel so upset on their behalf.  I just wonder what goes on in their little minds.  Do they feel abandoned by their Mum?  Is this the right thing to do for them and me.  I just don't know.

It was not my choice to come in, rather my Doctor's.  He is not happy with my lack of progress and is now going to look at changing my medication.  This is unexplored territory for me so I am terrified.

As always, through my whole illness I will be up front and honest about my progress.  If this means you will be uncomfortable or not up for the ride, please don't read I won't mind.  If you do continue to read, than thanks, it means a lot to have your support.  Comments always welcome.

Affirmation Day 29

Today is more a general blog than an affirming blog.  I really have scraped the bottom of the barrel and am coming up empty.  I have my 4th week of my art course today.  I am terrified every time I go.  I feel like they will discover I am an imposter and ban me from the course.

This week has started off bad already.  Firstly the weather sucks.  Grey, rainy, miserable.  My kids have already been very challenging.  No scrap that.  Clay has already been challenging and the house looks like the end of a week not the beginning of one.

I have one day left of my 30 day affirmation challenge and will try very hard to make it a positive affirmation to finish it all off.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Affirmation Day 28

Just 2 left not counting today's.  I am thinking how much I am happy with my hair at the moment.  It is at a length where I can do a little more with it then before and I am pretty happy with the colour.  Should run a toner through it to tone down the yellow of the blonde but otherwise I am totally happy with it.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Affirmation Day 27

Posting tomorrow's blog tonight as am holding a stall at the markets tomorrow and will be too tired to bother tomorrow.

Certainly one thing I have always been able to do is laugh at myself, or maybe laugh with myself.  Whatever the semantics I am good at it.  Even in the depths of despair whilst in hospital I could honestly laugh at my situation and found something funny about being in a psychiatric hospital.

I think one of the funniest stories is when I found a screw on the floor beside my bed and realised it was missing from my breakfast/lunch/dinner tray which could now rotate 360 degrees without it.  I took much pleasure in letting the nurse know I truly and physically did have a loose screw.  He was a handy fellow that nurse as he laughingly came to my aid.  I told him I bet it is the first time you could ruly (sic) and truly go home to your wife and tell her that you cured a patient of their loose screw.

My partner in crime (in hospital) and I got up to some mischief whilst there.  We figured out we could lock the nurses in the drug dispensing room.  They could not figure out how they were locked in.  At some time there had been a barrel lock on the outside of the door and the locking mechanism had had the arm removed but we used a pen to slide it across and lock them in.  Far out we scored some huge laughs from the patients that night.  Fortunately, the nurses saw the funny side in it too.

We had many other laughs but I will leave that for another day.  Laughing is the best thing you can do.  It makes you feel so good.  Even when tears are streaming down your face and your belly is aching from laughing it is the best feeling.  Hope you guys get that feeling at times too.

Affirmation Day 26

A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for

I make good looking babies.  I know I am bias but I think my children (as every Mother does) are pretty damn fine looking kids.  I have even been told they should do modelling.  Which I would never allow unless my kids asked specifically to do that.  They wouldn't because they have no clue how beautiful and exquisite I think they are.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Affirmation Day 25

Getting to the tail end now and quickly running out of things to say.  Today I want to affirm that I am me. Nobody else can be me.  I am perfectly qualified for this job.  Just a quickie. I am me.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Affirmation Day 24

I have always been a firm believer in you reap what you sow.  Similarly I also believe in paying it forward.  One day not necessarily tomorrow or the next you will again be the recipient of a random act of kindness.  I am fortunate that this belief is still unwavering despite my mental illness.  My psychiatrist would disagree and say it is idealism and it is one of the core reasons for my mental illness.  But I can't change who I am and how I roll.  I do believe in fairies and will continue to do so.

Things can only get better

Just like that song I realise things can only get better.  I can't possibly sink lower than this.  Today is not as bad as yesterday but I just feel so mad at myself that I can't look forward to anything.  Nothing really excites me.  I know when I am crafting, drawing, felting and creating that my mind is tuned to a different wavelength but is this good or is this avoidance.

I am doing a 12 week art course which I have competed three weeks of.  I was ready to throw it all in as I was feeling very low and lacking in any confidence in myself.  But, started an oil pastel drawing this week which I am about a third of the way through.  I walk past it, do a double take and go WOW I did that.  So, I am glad I have persevered.

I know a balanced life has ups and downs but I have lost all my ups.  Just doing downs is not fun. You will laugh at this; I asked my psychiatrist why can't they use ecstasy as an anti-depressant.  Afterall, it makes people feel good.  He curtly replied a. it is an illicit drug b. it is very bad for you and c. it is addictive.  Well fuck me. Most of the medication I am on is addictive and I might add all have side affects.  Some of the side affects are that bad that you have to take other medication to alleviate these side affects.  Fortunately, these side affects are not affecting me so I don't need to take this medication.  Bonus I guess because that medicine that alleviates side affects also can present other side affects in you which you may need medication for also. aaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh.

Maybe, reading and knowing about what the drugs are and what they do to your body is not necessarily a good thing. But, I do like to know what my body is ingesting and what it means to my body both short term and long term.

Still in the gutter dudes, still looking at the stars.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Close to me

i've waited hours for this
i've made myself so sick
i wish i'd stayed 
asleep today

i never thought this day would end
i never thought tonight could ever be
this close to me

just try to see in the dark
just try to make it work
to feel the fear before you're here
i make the shapes come much too close
i pull my eyes out
hold my breath
and wait until i shake...

but if i had your faith
then i could make it safe and clean
if only i was sure
that my head on the door was a dream

i've waited hours for this
i've made myself so sick
i wish i'd stayed asleep today
i never thought this day would end
i never thought tonight could ever be
this close to me

but if i had your face
then i could make it safe and clean
if only i was surethat my head on the doorwas a dream to 

These are lyrics to a Cure song - Close to me.  It is how I am feeling.  The only difference is that I did stay asleep all day today.  I just could not face the negative headtalk.  I am so frustrated with myself.  You would think that the CBT course, all the follow up, all the time I have spent thinking, talking and writing would see this if not gone than dwindling and becoming less and less.

I feel this struggle is just becoming harder than it was before.  The only difference is I have names for what is happening and can use CBT skills to deal with it. BUT, they wolves' are still baying at the door.  Nothing has changed, in fact I feel it is worse.  I still feel numb.  I feel like I am going through the motions and am not really here.  I feel see through and invisible.

I am not happy about this.  In fact I am downright livid.  After what I have been through this year I expected things to be easing up and getting better.  My husband and kids deserve better.  I am just wasting space and it is not fair on them.

I don't have any answers, I pray tomorrow is a better day.  Things can't possibly get worse.

Affirmation Day 23

Fervet olla, vivit amicitia: While the pot boils, friendship endures. (Meaning the man who gives good dinners has plenty of friends).
Latin Proverb

I do believe I am an excellent cook.  That is when I put my heart and soul into it.  Sadly I don't get many occasions to put my heart and soul into it.  I like to cook with fresh and sometimes exotic ingredients.  When I do get the chance to, it is sublime.

The following pics are the fabulous Christmas spread I did a couple of years ago.

When I cook like this, I need my kids as far from the kitchen as possible.  I need to know they are entertained and not fighting.  When I cook like this I immerse myself completely and need total concentration. But, boy I love it when I get the chance.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Affirmation Day 22

On Friday just gone I got together with a couple of friends and we mindfully or perhaps mindlessly crafted the day away.  We hand made some gorgeous greeting cards.  Both C & K made some lovely awesome cards but I am only showing mine as this is my blog and they are worth showing off.

C and I have decided to form a partnership to sell our beautiful hand made craft.  We have called it Klik Klak Kreations.   For no other reason than our names begin with C & L but we changed the C to a K just to make it a little different.  We plan to make and sell greeting cards, felted art, felted fashion and accessories, art and also the most amazing Mandalas that C makes.  When our website is up and running I will let you know.  But you can find us on facebook here.

C is about to add some more pictures to our facebook page.  Pictures of cards she has made in the past few days.  I am looking forward to seeing them and drooling over their gorgeousness.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Affirmation Day 22

Dear Warren
Thanks for working a huge day each day at work and then coming home and washing, folding and cleaning up. Thanks for cooking and stacking the dishwasher while I try to come to terms with life back home.  It has been harder than I thought. Becoming accustomed to life out of hospital and that maybe this is how I might feel for the rest of my life.

I appreciate that you do this unquestioningly and without one word of complaint.  You just accept that I am doing the best and believe me I really am trying.  I am trying so very hard.

I am lucky that I have you and that you are so supportive.  I know that the money worries bother you too but you just get on with it.  I am sorry that I fought with you and that I find it so hard.  But I appreciate you more than you will ever know.

Today is a bad day.  Just getting up was like taking the mountain to Muhammad.  But I am up and I have made my own breakfast so it is another day.  A new day.  And a day I will get through.


Saturday, May 21, 2011

Affirmation Day 21

What to write when you have run out of things to affirm.  I had a great day yesterday.  Hung out with a couple of new friends C & K.  I met them this year and we just clicked.  We can be miserable in each other's company with no apologies.  No need to fill awkward gaps with nervous chit chat.  We are happy to just wallow and wallow we did.

We did also make some amazing and gorgeous greeting cards which I am too lazy to photograph today but promise I will later.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Affirmation Day 20

"Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader—not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon."
E.L. Doctorow

I believe what I write is worth reading.  I would not say I am a great writer. I would love to be a great writer. But I believe I write well.  At high school I was going to be a journalist.  Ha. Famous last words.  My laziness, impatience and impulsiveness saw that as a dream that was to never come to fruition.  

In this day and age, and with blogging, we can all be journalists.  It is an amazing way to comment topically, jump on your soap box, serialise your personal life or just be plain creative.  Blogging is awesome.  I love it. I follow and read many.  There are many talented people out there.  If you know of any great ones please also recommend them to me.  A great blog is worthy of many followers.

As I write and I do write daily I find it makes me more interested in life.  I become more interested in politics, the economy, the environment, education, you name it.  It makes me think and be more decisive of my beliefs, whereas in the past I could be a bit of a fence sitter.  I do tend to lean towards the left (much to my parents dismay) but that is me and I am entitled to my beliefs.

So, blogging has helped me become disciplined with my writing and more involved in the world and current events.  This is not a bad thing.  Being aware and being interested I believe makes you interesting.  Hopefully, I am not a boring person who blah blah blahs on.  But rather, someone who is curious, involved and a tad eccentric.  If I am not, than that is what I want to be when I grow up.

What about you, what will you be when you grow up?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Affirmation Day 19

Cheesy as this is, please listen to this song.

Here are the lyrics:

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99 
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be 
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by 
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable 
than my own meandering 
experience…I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not 
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. 
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and 
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before 
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you 
imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as 
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing 
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that 
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm 
on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with 
people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes 
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with 
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you 
succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your 
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they 
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year 
olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe 
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky 
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t 
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your 
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, 
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people 
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever 
own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for 
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the 
people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you 
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and 
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you 
knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live 
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will 
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize 
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were 
noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, 
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one 
might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will 
look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who 
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of 
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the 
ugly parts and recycling it for more than 
it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

Very similar to:

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

In the quest to find 30 days worth of affirmations I admit I am struggling.  I am using these two songs as cheesy as they are they do carry lovely affirming messages.  I love both songs (don't cringe).  I am a girl who finds inspiration in words.  I am not saying these songs are clever or Grammy award worthy but they are worthy of a listen or two.  Worthy of taking the time to read the lyrics and realise that we too are worthy and that human frailty is what it is.  To quote the Desiderata:

You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

It is not a privilege, nobody is more important than another and we are all equally preciously unique and loveable.  So, plug in the earphones, play both songs very loudly and feel good about yourself.  I know both songs do it for me.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Affirmation Day 18

And the night shall be filled with music,
And the cares that infest the day
Shall fold their tents like the Arabs
And as silently steal away.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, The Day Is Done

One thing I know for certain.  I have damn good taste in music.  Don't ask my Father to agree.  He thinks if ya don't like his music than it ain't music.  He likes some stuff I like but is very safe and conservative and narrow in his taste.  If it did not come out in the 60's than most likely it is not worth hearing.  I don't mind 60's it was a great decade but other decades definitely are as worthy of mention. 

How about the 70's for disco.  The late 70's for punk.  The 80's well what can I say THE 80'S rocked.  The 90's saw Seattle sound that glorious grunge from the likes of Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Soundgarden.   Which brings us into the 00's which is an eclectic mix of pop and some wonderful alternative sounds as well.

As well as mainstream music I enjoy, new age, classical, opera and even a bit of country.  I like a bit of folk and blues as well.  My taste is as diverse as there is music genres.  My collection as colourful as a glorious rainbow emerging from a stormy rainfilled day.

Music really is balm for my soul.  I love it to cheer me up, to match my dark mood, or just as background noise.  But when a song resonates it rips my heart apart and tosses it on the floor stomps on it, lovingly picks it up, folding and repairing and placing back in my chest.  Someone said music is what feelings sound like and I could not agree more.

Music has helped me manage my feelings over the past few months.  Firstly it helped me just to feel again.  I was numb and had no feeling at all.  Than all of a sudden I was listening to Paul Kelly and balling my eyes out.  I kept exploring this and this resulted in me spending many hours downloading my complete cd collection onto itunes.  I now have something like 11.2 days non-stop playing time.  Yay.

Affirmation Day 17

Struggling today to affirm anything in my life.  I know I should feel grateful for my children.  Today, though I feel traumatised by them.  They are a force of nature that you just cannot contain.   I am tired of fighting with them every day to get up, eat breakfast, turn the tv off, get dressed, brush their teeth, brush their hair, turn their lights off, get their school bags, get their lunches, get in the car.  Each and everyone of these actions requires me to yell, threaten, plead, cajole and at times with Ally deal with her dramas.

So today I am feeling very fragile.  The house is a pig sty. I just want to eat chocolate and sleep but even that is too hard.

Today I am going to celebrate my beret.  I bought it about 17 years ago.  I paid a lot of money for it.  It is 100% wool and it really does look good on me.  I do good beret.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Affirmation Day 16

I don't suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it.  ~Author Unknown

I have probably suffered from depression most of my life.  It probably was of such a low grade as a teenager and during my twenties that it was not affecting my life.  I recall weekends where I needed to stay in bed and sleep and I think this was keeping me balanced during those years.  

However, in my 30's and after having kids and as life became tougher than my black dog grew larger and started to growl.  I was able to keep him heeled with medication for about 8 years but in the last twelve months he began preying on me.  Stalking me and keeping me prisoner.

This depression is something I am just going to have to learn to live with.  It is never going away.  I will be able to manage it most of the time but sometimes it will get the better of me.

It is as much a part of me as my arms and legs.  I am learning to embrace it and turn it around and use it to my advantage.  My depression has given me creativity and I think a depth of character that I did not know I had.

I am stronger than I thought and have survived more than most ever should.  Don't begin to presume you know what this may be as I have not written about most of it as it is private and something I deal with in therapy.  

So I am going to revel in my depression, celebrate my eccentricity and be grateful to have experienced more than most people ever do.  It is not always pretty but when you are well enough it sure the hell gives you perspective.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Affirmation Day 15

Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you - not because they are nice, but because you are.  ~Author Unknown

Yep, I am nice.  It is something worthwhile.  It is not boring.  It is not conservative.  Being nice is nice.  It does not mean you are a doormat or taken advantage of.   It simply means you care about other people and take the time to consider them.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Affirmation Day 14

Today I have to write about an amazing day that happens about 4 times a year.  Me, Mum, my sister and my dearest and life long friends get together and play cards, drink wine, solve the problems of the world, laugh, cry and have a bloody good time.

It usually is about the only time we see each other as we all lead busy lives.  ummm rephrase. They all lead busy lives. lol.  My life is very quiet in comparison.  I love these days.  It is about friends who know all about each other and love each other.

I get a lot of strength from these days.  The advice and friendship cannot be measured.  These days are more valuable than any gold and I am so glad to have them.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Affirmation Day 13

Well if stupid blogger had not been down yesterday, I would have written my 13th affirmation post on the 13th of May which also happens to be my birthday.

I had a lovely birthday.  Quite spoiled really.  A beautiful Dolce & Gabbana watch from my parents, a pandora charm and perfume from my sister, an itunes card and flowers from my lovely husband and kids.  Plus two of my friends came over to be miserable with me and we actually got some house work done. Sacre Bleu!  They also shouted Pizza Capers lunch for me.

And to cap it all off Mum made the most scrumptious roast pork meal for dinner and I enjoyed a simple glass of wine with it.  Now hold on to your hats I was sated and did not want anymore wine.  Double Sacre Bleu!

I am feeling older and have done so all year but I had a lovely day enjoying some lovely company and getting spoiled for my birthday.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Affirmation Day 12

Today is a real meh day for me. I am not really finding anything worth affirming. I am feeling quite down and despondent. Is this a battle I will have for the rest of my life. Will things ever really get better.

Today I am affirming that I am capable of breathing in and breathing out. It is not much of a skill but it keeps me alive and at the moment I need all the help I can get.

Today I am lying in the gutter but staring at the stars.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Affirmation Day 11

I am the Mum of two children both with needs. Clay is autistic and my God I could write an epic novel about what that has involved and the sacrifices we have made. Ally does not have a diagnosis but has high anxiety which can sometimes totally impair her.

I borrowed the following from Special Needs Mums Like Me I will add my own text in bold.

Top 20 Reasons Why Moms of Kids With Special Needs ROCK

1) Because we never thought that "doing it all" would mean doing this much. But we do do it all -- and then some.

2) Because we've discovered patience we never knew we had. And this has made us better people.

3) Because we are willing to do something 10 times, 100 times or 1,000 times if that's what it takes for our kids to learn something new.

4) Because we have heard doctors tell us the worst, and we've refused to believe them. Take THAT naysaying doctors of the world!

5) Because we have bad days and breakdowns and bawl-fests, and then we pick ourselves up and keep right on going.

6) Because we gracefully handle the stares, the comments, the rude remarks. (Well, mostly gracefully.) Um I am not sure mine is mostly graceful. More like on the odd occasion I have been graceful.

7) Because we manage to get ourselves together and get out the door looking pretty damn good. Heck, we even make sweatpants look good! Does pyjamas count?

8) Because we are strong. Man, are we strong. Who knew we could be this strong?

9) Because we aren't just moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs and women who work. We are moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, women who work, physical therapists, speech therapists, occupational therapists, teachers, researchers, nurses, coaches and cheerleaders. Whew!

10) Because we work overtime every single day.

11) Because we also worry overtime, but we work it through. Or we eat chocolate or Pirate's Booty or gourmet cheese or drink too much (which aren't reimbursable by insurance as mental-health necessities, but should be).

12) Because we are more selfless than other moms. Our kids need us more. I am not sure I agree with this one I think all Mum's are selfless

13) Because we give our kids with special needs endless love, and then we still have so much love left for our other kids, our husbands, our families. And our hairstylists, of course.

14) Because we inspire one another in this crazy blogosphere every single day.

15) Because we understand our kids better than anyone else -- even if they can't talk; even if they can't gesture; even if they can't look us in the eye. We know. We just know.

16) Because we never stop pushing for our kids.

17) Because we never stop hoping for them, either.

18) Because just when it seems like things are going OK, they're suddenly not OK, but we deal. Somehow, we always deal -- even when it seems like our heads or hearts might explode.

19) Because when we look at our kids, we just see great kids -- not kids with cerebral palsy/autism/Down syndrome/developmental delays/whatever.

20) Because ... well, you tell me. We fight, fall down, pick our selves up, dust ourselves off and start all over again.

I know I have cheated by borrowing someone else's words but they say it all. A Mum of special needs kids has to deal with a lot. I am not saying this makes us better Mums in fact sometimes I am not a good Mum at all. I am not saying we sacrifice more. I am just saying our lot in life is hard. Sometimes for me, it is so hard that I collapse. I have fallen apart, been to hell and slowly coming back. For all us Mum's special needs or not it is one day at a time. We all feel guilty - it is a Mum's lot. Let's today for one day say to hell with it. I will not feel guilty for working, not working, giving my kids tinned spaghetti for dinner, making them the same lunch everyday for five weeks in a row. Lets say yay we are doing it. We are doing the hardest thing there is today and surviving.

Take care Mum's you are all your kids' biggest fan and champion. We all need our own guardian angel.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Affirmation Day 10

If it is not right do not do it; if it is not true do not say it.

Marcus Aurelius quotes (Roman emperor, best known for his Meditations on Stoic philosophy, AD 121-180)

One of my most favourite of all quotes is from Shakespeare. 'To thine own self be true'. The full quote is This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day,Thou canst not then be false to any man.

I never have to worry what I say to anyone. I am open and honest. I am as incapable of telling a lie as I am of rotating my head 360degrees.

I am also always intent on trying to do the right thing. I don't belittle other people. I am patient and tolerant. I am kind and seek to help others be they stranger or friend.

If I don't like someone (and face it we can't all like everyone it just is not possible) than I just can't be bothered with them. I won't be unkind, I won't seek to hurt them or cast aspersions, I just can't be bothered. I am not two faced. I only have one face and the face you see; the feelings reflected in my eyes are the feelings I am experiencing. I will not go out of my way to greet and speak with them and act like their best friend. My actions mirror my feelings and I will not be and will never be untrue to who I am.

Another thing I like to say is if you can't be kind be silent and that is a rule I do live by. I will not speak out against another. I will though, defend my self and react to other people's actions as I am not a door mat.

So, in summing up. I think I can safely say with me what you see is what you get. My friends know this and they get it.