Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Things can only get better

Just like that song I realise things can only get better.  I can't possibly sink lower than this.  Today is not as bad as yesterday but I just feel so mad at myself that I can't look forward to anything.  Nothing really excites me.  I know when I am crafting, drawing, felting and creating that my mind is tuned to a different wavelength but is this good or is this avoidance.

I am doing a 12 week art course which I have competed three weeks of.  I was ready to throw it all in as I was feeling very low and lacking in any confidence in myself.  But, started an oil pastel drawing this week which I am about a third of the way through.  I walk past it, do a double take and go WOW I did that.  So, I am glad I have persevered.

I know a balanced life has ups and downs but I have lost all my ups.  Just doing downs is not fun. You will laugh at this; I asked my psychiatrist why can't they use ecstasy as an anti-depressant.  Afterall, it makes people feel good.  He curtly replied a. it is an illicit drug b. it is very bad for you and c. it is addictive.  Well fuck me. Most of the medication I am on is addictive and I might add all have side affects.  Some of the side affects are that bad that you have to take other medication to alleviate these side affects.  Fortunately, these side affects are not affecting me so I don't need to take this medication.  Bonus I guess because that medicine that alleviates side affects also can present other side affects in you which you may need medication for also. aaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh.

Maybe, reading and knowing about what the drugs are and what they do to your body is not necessarily a good thing. But, I do like to know what my body is ingesting and what it means to my body both short term and long term.

Still in the gutter dudes, still looking at the stars.

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