Monday, July 18, 2011

Not for the faint hearted

It has been awhile since I have written anything.  Reasons mostly because I have had nothing to write about.  I am just an empty dried up old husk taking up space.  I can't apologise for this post so please don't read further if you can't bear already what I have written.

In the past couple of weeks I have sunk to a new low.  A low that is dark and oppressive.  I am barely just existing and it has taken a lot of courage just to write today.  But I promised I would keep a written account of my journey no matter how dark and tangled it became.

I wish I could write otherwise.  I wish I could write how well I am doing and how involved in life I am.  But it really is completely the opposite.  I am feeling like such a failure.  I don't have the energy and even, I feel now, the skills to carry on a 'normal' life.  I have lost all sense of purpose and sense of self.

I saw my psychiatrist today and he has again increased my dosage of anti depressant and asked me to keep in close touch with him.  Should this increase fail then I am to be re-admitted into hospital for ECT (electroconvulsive therapy).

Please read the link if you wish to know more.  I can't even begin to describe it because I feel shame.  Shame that I have got to this stage, shame that I could not stop or halter my descent, shame that I have let down the people I love the most in my life and shame that I just am barely maintaining my own life.

I am not looking for pity just understanding and support.  You guys have got me this far and I know I can't do it alone.  If you have been able to read the full post, thanks for persisting, I hope this is the worst I face, I truly do.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Act Now

So my mental health nurse came on Wednesday.  She spent most of her time getting a full medical and mental history on me and also my family.  We talked about what I find difficult and how we can go about restoring balance in my life.

It is terrible that I have to relearn everything almost.  Mental illness is such an awful invisible unacknowledged illness.  The past six months has seen me frozen with inability and like a baby I have to relearn almost everything to become a full functioning person in my own life.

This will involve an agency who will provide someone to take me grocery shopping and teach me to finish the shop rather than leave early because you are overwhelmed with choice and options.  My nurse will take me for walks to get me thinking about exercise and will also on occasion arrive in the late afternoon and help me prepare a meal following simple steps I have been to overwhelmed to take.

She also talked about acceptance and commitment therapy.




Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a unique and creative model for both therapy and coaching, based on the innovative use of mindfulness  and values.The aim of ACT is to maximise human potential for a rich, full and meaningful life.
ACT helps you to cultivate health vitality and well-being through mindfulness and values-guided action. Although ACT was created over 10 years before 'positive psychology' existed, it is increasingly seen as a part of that movement.
I have talked about mindfulness in a previous post.  So please read about it you need to.  

I am glad I have this nurse on side and glad for the support I will received.  I am nervous about being taken out of my comfort zone but recognise the need for my continued recovery.

Take care, thanks for reading and supporting
Laura

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A pick me up

Dear Powderfinger
I need you today.  I need you to pick me up. You said you would be the one so please be it.  I miss you guys.  Just saying.
Love
Laura





When you are set 
To throw in your hand 
When you are far from home 
When what you believe 
Is buried in your hands 
When you feel outgrown 
I'll be the one to pick you up again 
When you decide you've had enough of it 
I'll be the one 
I'll be the one 
When your speech is slow 
When your eyes are closed 
When you feel betrayed 
When your heart is frayed 
When your feet are cold 
When your sights are low 
I'll be the one to pick you up again 
When you decide you've had enough of it 
I'll be the one 
I'll be the one

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/p/powderfinger/#share

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Art Exhibition

Guess what?  I am entering some of my pieces into an art exhibition. It is being hosted by the same hospital I have spent much time in this year.  Obviously, one of the conditions of entry is that you are a past or present patient of same hospital.

I had to fill out a form, settle on titles and talk about both the medium ie acrylic painting, sculpture, illustration and also provide a brief description of the work.  We are also asked if we want to sell said piece.   "Ooooooh yes please".  Imagine just imagine.  Not just do I have the opportunity to exhibit my work but also to sell it.

Apparently this exhibition is quite the draw card and attracts many serious art aficionados to the event.  Humble lil ole me will be just peeing my pants with excitement to attend let alone exhibit.  I don't expect to sell any work but you never never know.

If you would like details of when and where (being held later this month), please email me for details.
Take care
Laura

Monday, July 4, 2011

I think its time for a reminder of the Fable of the Porcupine
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it, was the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive. 
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualitie
s


Another story I have stumbled upon on facebook that is worthy of a read.


Those quills are something we are all exposed to in life.  It is important like the porcupines, we forgive and carry on with life otherwise we would all live a lonely, cold and bleak existence.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

True Friends


A story tells that two friends
were walking through the desert
During some point of the journey they had an
Argument, and one friend Slapped the other one
In the face. The one who got slapped
was hurt, but without saying anything,
wrote in the sand:
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE .


They kept on walking until they found an oasis,
where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the
mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning,
he wrote on a stone:
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.


The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend
asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now,
you write on a stone, why?" The other friend replied
"When someone hurts us we should write it down
in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us,
we must engrave it in stone where no wind
can ever erase it."


LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN
THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR
BENEFITS IN STONE!!!
They say it takes a minute to find a special
person, an hour to appreciate them, a day
to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.


Do not value the THINGS
you have in your life. But value
WHO you have in your life!




'Life Is Too Short To Waste Time Hating Anyone'


A story I came across on facebook and wanted to share.  So true.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Today I feel very angry.  Angry that I am still as depressed as ever.  Angry that I can't help myself or get outside help that is effective.  The song below perfectly describes how I feel today. I feel like one of those rats or mice running in a wheel.  Feeling hot and bothered but getting nowhere.


This anger does me no good.  It just adds fuel to an already raging fire of guilt and helplessness.  I should, I could, are bad statements.  I have to get over those statements according to CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). 


I am frozen with fear and fury and not able to do anything to help myself.  It is a fucked up situation.





"Bullet With Butterfly Wings"

The world is a vampire, sent to drain
Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
And what do I get, for my pain?
Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game

Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold - like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal
But can you fake it, for just one more show?
And what do you want?
I want to change
And what have you got, when you feel the same?

Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold - like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Tell me I'm the only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was the only son, yeah.
Tell me I'm the chosen one
Jesus was the only son for you

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
And someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a-
Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a-
Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a cage

Tell me I'm the only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was the only son for you

[x4]
And I still beleive that I cannot be saved