It has been awhile since I have written anything. Reasons mostly because I have had nothing to write about. I am just an empty dried up old husk taking up space. I can't apologise for this post so please don't read further if you can't bear already what I have written.
In the past couple of weeks I have sunk to a new low. A low that is dark and oppressive. I am barely just existing and it has taken a lot of courage just to write today. But I promised I would keep a written account of my journey no matter how dark and tangled it became.
I wish I could write otherwise. I wish I could write how well I am doing and how involved in life I am. But it really is completely the opposite. I am feeling like such a failure. I don't have the energy and even, I feel now, the skills to carry on a 'normal' life. I have lost all sense of purpose and sense of self.
I saw my psychiatrist today and he has again increased my dosage of anti depressant and asked me to keep in close touch with him. Should this increase fail then I am to be re-admitted into hospital for ECT (electroconvulsive therapy).
Please read the link if you wish to know more. I can't even begin to describe it because I feel shame. Shame that I have got to this stage, shame that I could not stop or halter my descent, shame that I have let down the people I love the most in my life and shame that I just am barely maintaining my own life.
I am not looking for pity just understanding and support. You guys have got me this far and I know I can't do it alone. If you have been able to read the full post, thanks for persisting, I hope this is the worst I face, I truly do.