Dear Diary (Life of a wimpy 13 year old)

Dear 13 year old me

Hi bet you couldn't imagine you would ever be almost 42.  Also bet you couldn't imagine you would be writing this letter sitting in a psychiatric hospital.

I just wanted to tell you a few things.  You were never ever fat.  Hear that.  Never.  Not until you started to not believe in yourself.  You were so full of promise.  You were smart and kind and totally into your family. All good things.  You worked hard at your sport.  You were never a great athlete but effort, guts and heart made up for that. You were too smart for your own good and that made you lazy.  You little shit, you could have done anything.  But that is ok.  You know better now.

Why did you end up here in hospital?  You started to believe you had no value.  You allowed others to believe it too.  You took too much on board and carried it for too long.  You never learned to let go and cull. But that sometimes made you fight for the things you truly believed in.  So don't be too hard on yourself there.

I wish I could have told you that the first man you fell in love with was not 'the one'.  I couldn't.  He was 'a one' and for awhile he was fun and great.  I wish I could have told you the moment it all stopped so you could have walked away then.  Rather than staying on a year too long.  A year of indifference and cruel words.

I wish I could have have given you more time to grieve and allow you to truly recover instead of just adding it to the weight you would continue to carry.

You did ok though girl.  You had a successful career, you have friends that are loyal, and amazing.  You found 'the one' and you did good by your kids.  Your life has value and your kindness and generosity knows no bounds.  Just keep letting go of the crap.

The 13 year old me was a dreamer and an idealist so nothing has changed there.  Girl, you did some amazing things and have been to some amazing places.   You have helped your Mother care for her Mother and will continue to do so.  You are starting a new journey now.

A journey that will be colourful, meaningful but light and burden free.  You will be a better Mother and Wife and a better daughter, sister and friend.  This is who you became.  You did good.

Love
the almost 42 year old me who still feels 16.