Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Imagine what you would do......

Imagine, your life, the one you had planned, the one you were living; imagine it ripped from you. As quickly and painfully as the ripping of a band aid but unlike the cruel to be kind element, the repercussions are long reaching and ever so painful.

What would you do? Perhaps, your country has been invaded and you have been commanded to speak another language, be ruled by a dictator not voted in by the masses, your religion, your culture and your way of life all now illegal.

Or maybe, you have lost your job, you cannot pay your bills and your house payments. You suddenly find yourself living on the street. You can no longer wash daily. To find basics such as food and water present a daily struggle.

What if you lose your mind? Your sense of reality is not anyone else's. What would you do?

This is what happened to me. It was not a quick band aid ripping moment. It was slow. It started after the birth of my first child. Post natal depression. Took too long for me to get it treated and then it was here take this pill everyday and you will be fine. And, yes, for awhile I was. But I should have had counseling and therapy and learned tools that would have helped me and given me foundations.

Next, I had a major health scare. Pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. CYN 3 which is the worst without actually being cancer. An operation, a long wait to make sure it was successful and no return of this awful condition.

Shortly after, our darling son. Our first born, who held our hopes and dreams; who was our walking heartbeat was diagnosed with autism. I know I have written of this before but to understand the impact this has on your life you have to understand this is life changing. It is pervasive and affects not just your son but you and your husband, your marriage and any person who chooses to support you in your journey.

We needed money to fund his therapies. The cost is enormous. We sold our house. We lived with my parents for three years. The sacrifice was so huge. We put Clay and his needs ahead of our family unit, our marriage and also our daughter.

What would you do? Would you be angry? On top of this, you are dealt further blows that lead to even further financial hardship. You are living below the poverty level. How crazy can this be. What would you do?

You sink into a depression, you lose your self-esteem and loath your own existence. How dare you feel pleasure - you are a failure. You should perhaps kill yourself so that your family can get a better Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister. someone worthy of the care and love your family feels for you.

That is what I did. Almost. I am now in recovery mode. I am starting to feel. I am still very angry but am working working working on letting it go. I want to be more then a Mum though. I want to have my own interests and be able to contribute to conversations and be an interesting person to know.

Do you think you could live through all this? Do you think you could make it happen? I am going to!

Location:Belmont hospital


  1. You CAN survive this Laura, you are one strong chick even if that is hard to believe some days. We just keep taking baby steps and fighting the good fight in the hope that one day everything just falls into place.

  2. thanks Claire and I feel the same about you my clever artistic felting friend. Babe I really mean it. Come stay with me for a night over Easter. Tell J you are running away for a night so you can do something just for yourself. You so deserve it.