Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Some Days are Diamonds
Throughout my journey fighting depression I have tried to keep my posts very positive and very constructive. This is not just to help me but also I am mindful of anyone reading this who may be a fellow depression sufferer. I wanted to show that with the right tools, the right support and mindset it was possible to work through it. Not necessarily beat it, but day by day or even minute by minute breath in, breath out and take a step forward.
Coming home from hospital since Friday I have really struggled. I knew it would be hard. I reasonably (at the time) thought as issues arose I would dig out my CBT book (probably 150 pages plus) flick through find the tool I needed and yep fix it. Far out. This was so far from a reasonable expectation it would be like diving to the bottom of the sea while holding your breath rather then set up with full scuba gear.
It was my sister's 40th celebration on Saturday night. I only have one sibling and I missed it.
I know she understands that to be in a room with a lot of people, particularly people I don't know was too much for me. But you only turn 40 once. Mum was telling me about how much fun she had dancing at the party. The more I think of that the more tearful I get because I can't imagine ever wanting to dance again.
For some depression is a chemical imbalance which can be helped with medication. For others it can be due to post traumatic stress, anxiety disorders, and many other causes (please realise I am no expert). My depression has been an ongoing battle for many years and came to crisis point very early in the new year. It stems from poorly treated post natal depression and situational crises beyond my control.
So, for some coming home from a lengthy stay in hospital hopefully sees them slowly adjusting. They have their medication under control and perhaps have worked through therapy and CBT and now have a good foundation to move onwards and upwards.
I have returned home to the same crises, the same pressures. They won't go away and I am still not facing these issues from a position of strength. Life in hospital is a safe cocoon but it is not reality. So for now I am just trying to one minute at a time deal with my reality. I inhale, I exhale, I tear up, I inhale, I exhale, my bottom lip quivers, I inhale, I exhale, I sigh, I inhale, I exhale, I hold my head high, I inhale, I exhale, I take a step forward.
I am in a very tenuous time. I am very determined because I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't want to just exist I want to live. I want to be exhilarated. I want to ask myself what would you do if you were not afraid and then to answer I want to live.
My diamond days are hopefully just around the corner but presently my days are stone. I will carry that weight sometimes stooping and cowering from the burden but I will slowly chip away until my load lightens.
We all have diamond days we all have stone days. Just remember this and be kind to all. Be kind to the cranky their stone days may just be too much to bear. Be patient with the impatient they are racing to a finish line we can't see. Be tolerant to the intolerant as they can't see their day from behind their stone.
As always, take care