Wednesday, March 9, 2011

This is not a Pity Party

I really really don't understand some people.  You are there for them in their deepest darkest moments.  You help them as much as you are able to.  This is help that comes with no strings, has no expectations but is something you do as a neighbour, community member and dare I say it friend.  You admire them for their strength, you are grateful to them for their support because your child has special needs and they in better times reached out to you.

But all of a sudden when you too are suffering and yes it may be a different suffering then you are vilified and gossiped about.   Am I not allowed to also have other feelings.  I really don't understand it at all.  I have never gossiped or been malicious towards anyone as it goes against my whole core beliefs.  Like Ghandi my religion is kindness.  I have always believed kindness is the answer.  If I had ever done anything to warrant ill treatment, I at least believe I deserve an explanation.  To kick a dog when their down is very inhumane so what does it mean to kick a human when they are down.  My blog is my own personal journey and I know I must be doing something right because I have had many many wonderful emails and messages from both friends and strangers thanking me.  They are grateful that they are are not alone, or that they have learned about depression or even just damn proud of my courage.

It is truly sad that in your deepest darkest times, you are not able to gather people around you and allow them to help you lift yourself and rise above it all.  Particularly, when you can also help other people who are feeling depressed.  I can't go out shopping all day to avoid my feelings.  I don't have the financial capacity for one nor the mental wellness either.  I am simply unable to get out of bed most days.  This is not my choosing. If it was up to me I would be up and at em every day.  Getting out there, laughing, chinning it up and so on.  I am barely struggling at the moment to stay alive.

As mentioned in previous blogs we have been suffering financial hardship.  This is not just oh the poor dear can't afford to get to the day spa this week.  This is the poor dear can't buy food for her kids this week.  It is embarrassing to admit it.  We have had to rely on food parcels.  This is not from financial mismanagement.  We don't gamble, we don't smoke and now we don't even drink.  I must also say that before we even sought any kind of help from charity I sold every single piece of gold jewellery including my eternity ring.  I drew the line at my engagement and wedding ring.  I sold the vast majority of our dvd's including the kids ones.  I sold my GHD and did all this to feed my kids.  We have been dealt some crap in our life and we have found it hard to get on top of it.  I never wrote more about it this because it is so humiliating.  How do you tell your kids that this year they can't have school photos because the $20 per child for the basic package is just so far out of reach.

We have tried very hard not to go down the whole woe is me route.  We have done everything we can to avoid relying on charity.  But when you have sold your house to fund autism therapy for your child which has also seen you max out your credit cards so you can help them learn to speak and socialise and then to be dealt even more bad luck it is pretty hard not to start feeling sorry for yourself.

I am not sharing this to get pity.  We want to stand on our own two feet.  But it is not easy.  I watch my friends enjoying lovely outings, events and holidays and I am glad for them.  I don't resent their good times.   My friends deserve them.   But it is soul destroying to time and time again to pay your rent, pay your bills and then at best survive only to have people who you thought you could count on to cut you out of their life and leave you wondering why.

I don't like it that I have had to address this in a public forum but I refuse to be drawn in to games and innuendos on facebook.

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