Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I am Laura, hear me roar

Fall seven times, stand up eight ~ Japanese Proverb


So another session with my medicine man last night.  My psychiatrist has earned my trust.  I have shared with him almost everything now.  A bit to go but he has heard the worst.  What is the worst.  Well it is something that I have done off and on since my early 20's.  It is something that I am deeply ashamed of, but in my quest to get well I revealed it to him.   And in my quest, to be brave and help others I am sharing with you too.  You can make up your own mind.  I pick at myself.  I pick at little bumps or pimples and they become scabs.  Then I pick at the scabs and they get worse.  They get bigger, the bleed, they hurt me, they mark me and it scars.  It looks terrible.   But nobody knows about this apart from my husband, my Mum and now my Psychiatrist. Oh and now you too.


I told him I don't know why I do it, I can't stop myself from doing it and it does come and go dependant on my anxiety and mental health.  I do it because I want my skin to be smooth.  I know this is irrational as picking at the imperfections doesn't make my skin smooth; it makes my skin worse.  I was afraid also that it was a form of self harming.  Although, I have never had any urge to cut myself, I was very worried this would be something that could happen down the track.  Just to add a little something here, when I get false french nails I can't do it.  For some reason the thicker nails prevents me from picking.  Wish I could get french nails covered by my health fund what a rort.  If I could afford to, I would permanently have french nails but this is also just avoiding not dealing with the problem.


With this extra information and my current diagnosis, my psychiatrist has informed me that it is OCD.  Obessional compulsive disorder.  I do this to right a wrong.  I do it without thinking.  It is not a form of punishment.  I don't do it as form of release.  It is just another way of me trying to fix what is wrong with me.  Can I just say here and now a big fat phewwwwwwwwww.   A. because it is out in the open.  B. because it gives my doctor more information to help fix me and C. I am not self-harming.   If you as a reader are a self-harmer please do not take this personally.  I am just writing about my own journey and my own relief at finally getting somewhere.  If you are a self-harmer, know that I do not judge you, I do not pity you, I just want to accept that you do it and ask that you try and seek help if it is possible.


My psychiatrist wants to think on this new information.  He thinks perhaps a change in medication.  I don't know if it is an 'as well as what I am currently taking' or if it is a 'lets change to a new medication altogether'.  I am glad he is thinking about it rather then just opening his script pad and jumping the gun with the first thing that comes to mind.


So that is my deep dark dirty little secret.  I wish I could stop.  You won't notice it usually as it I only do it on my back, thighs and buttocks.  But when I am really really bad it also will occur on my arms and face.  Hopefully, a new drug, continued therapy and my own determination will see me overcome this awful OCD behaviour.  I won't, though just allow the OCD to excuse the behaviour.  I do it.  I can't seem to stop it. BUT, I will own it and hopefully I will be able to eventually stop it.


I have chosen the title I am Woman, Hear me Roar because it is a song that really fires me up.  I do think it should be I am Human, Hear me Roar.   I won't go into the reasons.  Some men seem to have real issues with this song.  They can relax.  It really has nothing to do with them at all, to me it is all about humanity.  I have taken the liberty to modify the lyrics so take a squiz.


I am human, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am human

You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am human

I am human watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am human

Oh, I am human
I am invincible
I am strong

I am human
I am invincible
I am strong
I am human



I am peeling back my layers, shedding my skin and in a way re-birthing myself.  It is an amazing journey.  It has been painful.  It still is.  It most definitely is worthwhile.  It has also been rewarding.  I have started writing again. I have unearthed an artistic flair.  I am falling in love with myself again.  Most importantly, it has revealed my true friends and given me a new start with my family.


In hospital, there are many people like me.  They are all in a battle and meeting these people has enrichened my life.  They are all heroes.  They are clawing there way back inch by inch to meet the world on their terms.


Thanks for your continued support in reading and hopefully understanding.  Means a lot to me.


Take care,
Laura
xx 

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