While showering this morning I was thinking about why I have got to this point. What has led me to such depths of depression that I have spent the majority of this year in hospital. I know I have written on some topics about letting go and I am still working on this. Poor Poland and East Germany are proof of that. But, what I am still grieving and unable to accept is that I feel a loss of independence.
independence (plural independences)
- The state or quality of being independent; freedom from dependence; exemption from reliance on, or control by others; self-subsistence or maintenance; direction of one's own affairs without interference.
- The state of having sufficient means for a comfortable livelihood.
Some loss of independence has been of my choice. Choosing a life partner, having children with him and taking on the traditional role of being a stay at home Mum. I can do all these things and still be mostly independent. What I lost as a wife and Mother have been replaced a trillion fold with joy, respect, companionship and other amazing things that there are just no words for.
The independence I am talking about is I guess what I feel is also similar to what every human being expects. To be dealt with fairly, impartially, openly, honestly and judicially. My psychiatrist would stop me hear and say "that is only your opinion" or "you are still banging your head against the wall".
And yes, he is right as well. It is my opinion. But I know that what grieves me most when adding up all the wrongs and losses in my life is the loss of independence. Not just financially, but morally.
It is hard to share what I mean without going into things that are just far too personal. But there are certain Government Agencies out there that are not fair, impartial, open, honest and judicial. To have to deal with them and open your life to them is so invasive it makes you feel violated and dirty.
When you know that as a person you can be proud of who you are and what you stand for and that you are a vital member of your community you 'should' (this is a word psychiatrists very much dislike) expect the sum of your life to also be valued when you are standing up for your family and fighting for a reasonable outcome.
Life is unfair. That is the first thing my psychiatrist tells me. And yes I know this. Will it change? No. So what do I have to do. I have to change the way I think about it. But, I have lost my independence and I need to regain that to change the way I think about anything.
Some of you reading this will think that I can regain my independence very easily and yes you are correct. But I need mental wellness for that. So, there you have it. I need to change the way I think, I need a feeling of independence for this, I need to be mentally well to feel independent. A bit of a dog chasing it's tail affair.
Independence is something I have always valued. Ask Mum, when even before I could talk I would fight with her over my day's clothing choice. I am stubborn. If you are into astrology you will have correctly guessed my star sign as Taurus. Loyal, devoted, appreciates the fine things in life but is pig headedly stubborn. Yep yep yep and yep. That is me.
So, to ask me to suddenly start changing the way I think of things is like asking a blind man to see. It is verging on impossible. Not 100% impossible and unlike the blind man I will be able to change and adapt. But (gosh I use a lot of buts) it is going to be very hard.
I have to say yep life is unfair and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. Nothing I can do about it. Nothing. Remember that, nothing. Faaaaarrrrrrrrkkkkkkk really? Nothing. I have to learn to accept that, then change how I think about it and go to 'the making of it', life that is.