I mean really.
I have no qualms in confessing that back in the Wall Street and Platoon days I had quite the crush on naughty Charlie. But am really at a loss at the furore building and not yet peaking over his current behaviour. Now I know giving him some time in this blog I am being a little hypocritical but bear with me. Why oh why does anyone care. Am I the only disinterested person here. Please please tell me there is more then one person in the world who just does not give a crap.
I am sick and tired of badly behaved celebrities. I am sick and tired that these people are even considered role models. What is so interesting about a person who is so woe is me because they have a high pressured job remembering a couple of lines for a sitcom and gets paid a squillion dollars for this. I am sure you would all agree we would like to get paid this kind of money for the same level of pressure. If I was paid according to my level of pressure I would be nudging Bill Gates and the likes down a notch in the Fortune 500 table.
We are all entitled to enjoy a bit of gossip. I love a bit of gossip. But I am at a loss of words that there is such a frenzy over badly behaved over paid soap stars.
There are much more interesting stories out there. Most ordinary people have extraordinary moments in their lives. Remember that - we are ordinary people but we have extraordinary moments. We give birth, we volunteer, we support our friends, we make sacrifices for our children, we stand up for what we believe in and all of these things prove we really are extraordinary. Each and every single one of us.
If you have been reading my blog for awhile you will know that I have been struggling with my mental health. I am one of hundreds of thousands of unsung heroes across Australia. I am a carer. I care for a disabled child. There are carers who care for their partners who may suffer dementia, there are carers who care for a teminally ill family member and carers who care for the disabled. Carers are Mums, Dads, Husbands, Wives, Grandparents, Siblings, Daughter, Son, Grandchild and even friend.
To the world we are just one but to the person we care for we are their whole world. Do we get any support or help. No not really. If you are lucky like me you will have a supportive network of family and friends but many have no-one. Our Government allow the majority of us to live below the poverty level, provide no long term infrastructure for ongoing support and for this privilege most of us receive a carers' payment of about $106 a fortnight. Pretty cool hey. It so helps us cover all the costs associated with caring for our family member. It re-compensates us for not being able to work, to cover transportation costs to medical appointments and therapy appointments as well as the cost of these appointments. It covers the cost of their medication, the equipment and resources we may need to assist with their ongoing care and not to mention the special diet some may need. With the change we are able to get along to the day spa once a week for a much needed pamper and then off to a posh lunch with a glass of champagne. Hahahaha had you going there.
I haven't even raised the issue of respite. A much needed break that most carer's never receive. The whole system sucks. The only way we can change it is to lobby, fight and be outspoken. Many of us just do not have any energy left. We are drained and sapped from our daily strain, worry and physical exertion.
Many of us (me included) have lost our houses, are in debt to our eyeballs and are so stretched financially that we survive on (at times) handouts from family (if you are lucky) and sometimes charity. It is humiliating, it grinds you down. But you are still the world to the person you care for. They rely on you and of course you love them.
This grind became too much for me. I was tired. I had carried my load for too long. It wore me down. My back was bent and I could no longer see ahead because I could only look down. Worry for my son, worry about money, and other stressful issues broke my back and broke my heart.
I became almost catatonic. I had given up. I begged my husband to find a better Mother and Wife for my family. It upsets me to admit but I was thinking of ways to die. I wondered if I should drive my car in front of a truck or just step in front of one. I even had gone as far as thinking this must not happen at home. I don't want my family to find me. I just wanted the hole in my heart to go away and the pain of life to end. There was only a very fine tether keeping me here in the present. It led from my heart to my children. I could never allow them to think that their Mother chose to abandon them. It was my only saving grace.
I find this very hard to admit. But from the day I went into hospital I promised myself and my family I would be honest with my psychiatrist, I would be honest with myself. I would do everything I could and I would do it with everything I had.
So excuse me if you find me different at the moment. I am still not whole. I don't do small talk very well as I am fighting a fight that is so very difficult. I can't accept ridiculous behaviour from people who have money and access to the very best support money can buy.
So Sheen's shine is gone but I am working on my own. The shine must come from within. So you may not see it yet. It will start as a faint faint glow and slowly effervesce and bubble over.
If you are reading this and you are feeling you need help, please please please ring Lifeline. Also, when you are able please donate to Lifeline or similar organisations. Because to the world we are one, but to one we are the world. That person or people who are special in your life also think you are special in their life. So really that makes us all special.
It has been a long road to get to the stage where I could write honestly and brutally about my deepest darkest thoughts. I am clawing back. My heart is scabbed over and will scar. This scar will be a forever fragility. It will remind me on a daily basis I have to work at my mental health.
So until my next post as I keep repeating, be kind, be tolerant, and be grateful.