Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Ugly Truth

Just a quickie - I am back in hospital.  My problem - I have not been walking the walk just talking the talk.  I have been writing and delving deep into what goes on in my head and although it has been cathartic; I would not say it has helped me.  Well, at least not yet.

And honestly, apart from writing my blog I was not functioning at all.  I woke up - took my meds - went back to sleep.  Woke up - ate something, took my meds - went back to sleep.  Woke up - asked my husband to make me a grilled cheese on toast (it really is the best food in the world) - took my meds and went back to sleep.  So that was my day to day life.  The only thing positive was writing.

My poor children.  I walked them into school this morning.  It was pouring with rain.  Normally we have umbrellas in the car but my darling husband who cleaned the car for me forgot to put them back in.  Well, it was the end of the world for me.  I was crying, my kids were crying - it was pretty ugly.  They are expecting me to pick them up from school this afternoon.  My poor bubbas.  I am so so heart broken that I am not a good Mummy for them.

I have found it very difficult to face people too.  Some people have been very kind, understanding and supportive and have made it very easy for me.  Others, have not.  Now this is by no means a criticism, because some people just don't understand depression and/or some people have stuff going on in their life I may not know about or understand.  That is ok.  But if I don't talk to you it is because I am terrified about what you think of me.  I am terrified you will turn your back on me and I am terrified that you are laughing at me.

My illness is an awful invisible illness.  It makes me paranoid, it makes me hate myself and this morning I had to confess to my Mother that I was scared for my own personal safety.  Scared because I am an impulsive person who sometimes does not think things through.  I was scared to tell Mum this but also scared of the outcome if I did not tell her.

My failings have brought me back into hospital, my failings have taken me away from my family and my failings have made me ashamed.

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