Come to the edge, he said. They said we are afraid. Come to the edge he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew. ~ Guillaume Apollinaire
But first, I must digress. How stunning is the Chrysler Building. It is one of my lifelong dreams to visit New York. Not just visit it, but soak it up. Experience every last little nook and cranny. It would probably rate in my top five things I must do before I die. I am nearly 42 and I just have to believe one day....one day soon I will be there.
I had another session tonight with my psychiatrist. I am too much of an idealist he says. I can't continue to battle everything that I consider unfair and unjust. So, in other words I have to choose my battles. Choose my battles so I can win the war. I have to be strategic. Like in the movies. You know where you see the Head Honchos in the General's tent moving pins on a map. I have to work out what I am prepared to concede and what I am prepared to fight for. I also have to consider when conceding how this will affect the overall war. Are some battles, too costly. Will the toll be too high. Will there be too much suffering. If I choose to fight for France am I prepared to give up Poland. That is how I feel inside my head. It really feels like WWII.
I really understand what he is saying. I am sick and in hospital because I won't give up Poland. I want to fight for France and Poland but that will not help me win the war. So I must give up Poland. Where is she going with this I hear you ask?
My session with my psychiatrist tonight was a very good session. I got angry, I argued. I stood up for myself. I was not necessarily right and in fact he helped me look at me, really look at me and how I think, in a totally new light. I need to give up Poland. I am sorry Poland but for the war to be won I have to let you go.
Guess what that means? Step One. My husband will have total control of our finances. This is a short term plan. Maybe just for the rest of this year. It will be hard for me as he has never before questioned how I ran the budget and what I spent money on. I will relinquish control and rely on him totally. Maybe I will even get an allowance. Why? Because we are broke. By doing this, I don't have to think about the stress of paying the bills, what money will be left to feed our kids. I will know that my husband has it under control. If that means I get $10 for the week then bonus. I can buy 3 magazines or have two coffees with friends. I could put it aside for five weeks and shout myself a pedicure. This is how I am giving up Poland. But this is only step one.
I argued with my doctor tonight. You see I have a very strong sense of right and wrong and found it very hard to keep quiet when I felt something was unfair or unjust. I talked about the interview on 60 Minutes a couple of weeks ago. How Martin Bryant's Mother sat there and firstly said he could be innocent because he never had a trial. She then almost in the same breath all but blamed his Asperger's diagnosis for the atrocity committed on the 28th April 1996. He killed 35 people and wounded 21 others. I was angry, I was passionate. I told my doctor this. I was upset about the irresponsibility of 60 Minutes in airing this sensationalist piece. How dare they allow this woman to taint any person who has any form of an Autistic diagnosis. I was furious. I am sure there was steam coming from my ears. I vented and fumed. I was incensed on my son's behalf. He is autistic, he already suffers enough discrimination; he does not need condemnation too. And lets not forget the victims and their families, what total and utter disgrace it was to watch that interview.
Psychiatrists are a cold bunch if you ask me. Now I am not saying he isn't helping me. I believe he is. He is suggesting I give up Poland. He also very coldly and clinically said if you think it is right to pick up a gun and walk into McDonalds and kill 35 people that is okay. Just be prepared to be shot too. Harsh stuff. I know he is overdramatising this. He isn't suggesting I do this. He is just pointing out that my sense of right and fairness will be different from your sense of right and fairness. My idealism that I have had from a very young age has allowed me to passionately fight for what I believe in. But many of those battles have got me pretty close to losing the war.
So, I am still in the midst of this war. I am negotiating for a peaceful surrender of Poland. I will march on to France and regroup, re-equip, but also relinquish. Poland is gone. I also need to re-strategise and start working on the next campaign - Step Two. Keep you posted there.
Like any soldier on the front line, I am scared, I am missing home, I am uncomfortable but I am willing to follow orders.
Until next time, love and kindness to you all. It is okay to be passionate about what you feel is unfair just don't carry it around and allow it to consume you.