Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Am I ever gonna see your face again....

Been a hard couple of days for the ole Lausie.  I have not changed from my pyjamas and am in desperate need of a shower.  Amazing what you can get away with when you are in hospital with depression.  Not that I am getting away with it really.  The nurses don't slap their hands together and say alright smelly you need a shower.  But they also don't just let you wallow.  They monitor you, check on you, ask about your mood, they write it down to record it on your chart.

So, if I was being honest with myself I am not getting away with anything except neglecting myself.   In the past 48 hours I have slept for the majority of it.  I know I should be more active, maybe go for a walk or at least have that shower.  But it is just too much effort.  I am so tired and so lacking in energy and lacking in care factor too.

Wanted to share some background on me today.  I am married to a wonderful man.  In June it will be our 10th wedding anniversary.  I am lucky.  He tells me he is lucky.  We will agree we are both lucky.  He is an awesome dude. But I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince.  And, some of them were toads too.  But we are the sum of all our experiences, all the people we have interacted with, everything both good and bad has led us to where we are today.

Way back yonder, when I was a spring chicken I met a man.  I loved him and for a short time I know he loved me.  We got married, we thought it would be forever. Sadly it was not.  There is, as we know two sides to a coin and also two sides to a story.  But my blog so my story.

We were together for about four years.  Prior to me, he had been with someone else for about four years.  About twelve months prior to our marital disintegration he began to treat me with indifference.  To use his cynicism (which I had always thought was clever and funny) to twist my words and feelings.  It was cruel and looking back very heartless and cowardly.  He did not have the balls to leave me. Through the advice of a dear friend, despite still being in love with this man, I found the courage to leave him. I always thought he had fallen out of love with me.  That it was my failing, something I had done to lead to his rejection.

While in therapy with my psychiatrist, this subject was discussed.  Another one of those, but everyone in the end rejects me (which is so ridiculous and exaggerated).  After I had painted the picture, my psychiatrist ever so succinctly said perhaps you were not rejected but rather he was not capable of maintaining relationships.  Perhaps, it was him that had the problem.  Perhaps he went from one four year relationship to the next and was never able to settle or commit.  This was such a revealing moment.  It was not about blaming him but releasing me.  Maybe my doctor was right and there was nothing I did or didn't do that led to our marriage breakdown.

This was such a freeing moment.  I have been a bit needy with my number one man.  Constantly seeking his assurance that he still loved me and would never leave me.  He knew why.  He was patient and consistent.  He was kind and he has never in his life used words as weapons.  Now, I can relax and realise that I can be loved for who I am and that who I am does not mean I will be rejected either.

I try to choose titles of each post that is very representative of the content.  I do love the Angels and I do love that song.  But I have never been malicious or bitter about the end of my first marriage.  I was more sad, confused and lastly feeling failure.  I still don't blame, but I also really don't care whether I see him again or not.  Now onto another Angels song.  This one is beautiful and honest and a real working class love song.

I dedicate this song to my Wazza.  A great husband, a great father, a dedicated employee, a loving son, an awesome baseballer (he hit a grandslam home run off Graeme Lloyd who pitched for the Yankees including several winning world series)he is my best friend and an amazing dude to know.

Tomorrow, I plan on waking and after breakfast showering and getting on with my day. It helps that I have a date with my Mum across the road at a very big shopping centre.  I will only last for an hour or two before becoming anxious but it will be fun for a bit.

As always, I wish you all kindness and hope that you too can perhaps find something freeing in this post too.

Take care,

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