Yesterday from out of nowhere I was hit with anxiety, stress and many many tears. I didn't see it coming, it hit me like a tonne of bricks and I could not escape it. Worse, my kids witnessed my tears. I usually am successful in hiding or postponing the tears but yesterday they were on me faster than you could say Rumpelstiltskin.
Poor Waz, again copped it, that man really deserves a Sainthood. He endures so much and loves me nonetheless. It is such an awful feeling. Afterwards, I apologised to Warren and tried to explain I don't even know it is coming let alone have the skills to control it.
It was a yucky overcast rainy day and I wonder if that contributed to my feelings of overwhelming despair. I also slept for about three hours but am not sure that I did so because I exerted so much nervous energy or because I was tired to begin with.
When I am feeling this way nothing can console me. I am worthless, hopeless and so very undeserving. Nothing anyone can say will convince me otherwise. It is such an awful way to feel. I did not shower, I did not brush my hair I was totally wrapped up in my own feelings of worthlessness. I could not face anyone and certainly could not leave the house.
I also took the full limit of what is known in the medical profession as P.R.N. - Pro Re Nata which is latin for "in the circumstances" or "as the circumstance arises". It is commonly used in medicine to mean "as needed" or "as the situation arises." It is generally abbreviated to p.r.n. in reference to dosage of prescribed medication that is not scheduled; instead administration is left to the nurse/caregiver or the patient's prerogative. p.r.n. administration of medication is not meant to imply and should never allow for exceeding a prescribed daily regimen.
Today, as I write this I am certainly much improved on yesterday. I am still a bit tense; but mostly ok. I think I am scared that I will forever be a hostage to these uncontrollable feelings that take me when I least expect.
I will leave you with this song which was today played on one of the local radio stations as Mental Health Week's song of the day.
Sending you all calm and soothing love