Friday was my first day full day home. And I have to confess it was very challenging and I did on occasion get quite tearful. Being in hospital is of course a safe and protected environment. This is good so you can rest and get treated but it does not prepare you for the real world that is waiting out there.
I struggled with a few issues that are constant sources of pain and torment. I know I should be able to overcome these issues but for some reason they continue to be ever present and even fester.
My poor husband, who is patient, kind and loving, copped it from me as I sought to release the tension and of course he listened and comforted me as he always does.
I wish I could release myself from my paranoid thoughts and fears. It can be all consuming and I know deep down very irrational. But this is why I am sick. I started to buy into the paranoia. I started believing it and I could not overcome it.
I wish it was otherwise. I wish I could be healthy and whole and not think the things I think. I certainly would not wish this on anyone. It is exhausting and very upsetting, despite the fact it is all imagined.
I rang my husband at work, I rang my Mum at home not just once but at least three times each. They of course reassured me and patiently talked me through my fears.
But my sick and twisted brain just can't let go of these feelings. I guess it does not help that they are partially fuelled by real events. However, I have allowed these events to determine my behaviour and feelings far past their used by date.
My psychiatrist told me writing and journalling is a great way to help myself. Believe me, I am trying everything I can in my quest for mental health wellness. I am determined that 2011 is the year I went crazy but also that it is confined just to this year. We are nearing the end of 2011 and 2012 is going to be a great and healthy year for me.
Mental illness changes nothing in me, it just means I have been too strong for too long. I am still me, I am still the same friend I always was, I am still the same person who supported you, the same person who was there for you in your hour of need, I am still the same person who was kind and loyal. I am however, more savvy and more aware that not all people have the character and integrity and are unable to be kind and loyal themselves. It hurts, it has pained me deeply but I will survive and be a better, stronger person for it.