Since coming back into hospital a week ago, I have been a blubbering mess. If you know me, you would know that this is really quite out of character for me. I am normally fairly stable and not quick to cry. So, this week I have spent quite some time in self examination, wondering why, suddenly the major change. Why am I so irrational and literally crying over spilt milk so to speak.
One theory I have which I will discuss with my Doctor is that I am suffering from delayed grief. If you look at delayed grief on Wikipedia they say:
Delayed grief might manifest as any of the reactions in normal grief: pangs of intense yearning, spasms of distress, short bouts of hysterical laughter, tearful or uncontrolled sobbing, feelings of hopelessness, restlessness, insomnia, preoccupation with thoughts about loved ones, extreme and unexplained anger, or general feelings of depression. In extreme cases reaction may invoke suicidal tendencies.
This is me down to a tee. If you are wondering how my delayed grief has manifested? I would seriously blame the ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) This most certainly has been responsible for major holes in my short term memory. So, perhaps it has also juggled what I have held a lid on for so long, opened it up and let it loose.
I have never grieved the diagnosis of my son, I have never grieved having to sell my house, I have never grieved several other major events in my life which saw me stoically and stubbornly not dealing with it but rather finding a way to meet it head on and, like in Clay's instance find a way to get him the early intervention he required to help him with his autistic diagnosis. Phew that was a ridiculously long sentence.
I have lived through the first two choices. I have let this define me, it has come close to destroying me and bloody hell it is going to strengthen me. I might die trying (not really) but I am going to get stronger.
While I don't recommend self-diagnosis, when you self-reflect and than discuss these possibilities with your psychiatrist there may be wisdom in your should I be so bold to say madness. (please know I am laughing at myself do not take this personally)