Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Step away from the dark

After seven weeks I think my time in hospital is drawing to a close.  Finally last night I started looking forward to returning home.  Initially, I couldn't even think of home and then, I was scared to return home.   Now, I am wanting to be at home.  I think that must be a very good sign of how my mental health is faring.

In my previous post I mentioned how hard I was finding to let go.  I am reading a book at the moment which really is just a bit of fluff as I really can't concentrate on anything heavy.  Funnily enough a character in this book spoke about letting go and suddenly I felt some clarity.  Why am I really letting this weigh me down so much.  Yes it is crap stuff that life has dealt me.  Yes it is unfair.  Yes there is nothing I can do to change it.  But why let this CRAP affect how I live my life.  I can still find pleasure in simple things.  Like how beautiful my children smell freshly shampooed.  How the sound of their laughter is the closest to heaven you can experience here on earth.

As I write this, our neighbours in Christchurch, New Zealand are fighting for their lives or searching for their loved ones.  Please pray for them.  Lets not also forget the flood and cyclone victims and their families here in Queensland.

This Thursday evening my husband and Mum will be coming up visit me.  We will be holding a think tank.  Planning my return home and working out support and strategies to allow my mental health to continue it's recuperation.

I have been taking in a lot of art classes while here in hospital.  Prior to coming here I found it a challenge to draw stick figures.  Here with some help and a lot of support I have discovered a talent and a delight in drawing, painting and felting.  It has been a very emotional journey this journey of creativity.  It has helped me feel again.  I have, through my art, experienced a full gamut emotions.

I have also re-established a lovely relationship with my ipod.  I had forgotten how much music moves me.  Listening to Paul Kelly's 'How to make Gravy' will reduce me to a quivering mess.  But this is GOOD.  I am finally feeling.

With the help of my family and supportive friends I plan to continue on this path.  I will keep working on the cognitive behaviour therapy strategies, plan simple pleasant activities, keep drawing, play my music, enjoy the life I have with my husband and children and just live from day to day.

That darkness that fully encompassed me is slowly subsiding.   The light which can only be seen in true dark is shining from within.  But instead of flickering, faltering and fading it is shining longer and brighter.

Please take care of your family and friends, love one another, be kind and be true.

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