Sunday, February 27, 2011

Home James and Don't Spare the Horses

Well first weekend home after spending seven weeks in a safe cocoon of no housework, no cooking, no fighting kids, no additional pressures, stresses etc other then what was in my own head.

On Friday morning I was nervously but also excitedly waiting for my darling husband to pick me up from that safe cocoon I had spent seven weeks in.  I thought right, it won't always be easy but you have worked hard and you can do this.

What I never considered is that I was coming home and the same issues that were the main cause for my depression were still ever present and looming.  These are not relationship issues, although the stress and grief of a disabled child is definitely thrown into the mix.  These issues are just unfair wobblies life has thrown at us. We can't change them, we can't escape them, some of them will eventually ease and disappear and some may  permanently darken our shores.

My sisters' 40th party was on the Saturday night just gone.  I did not attend as I simply could not face a lot of people and most of them being people I did not know.  Mum was telling me about her dancing and the fun she had.  I felt very distressed and wondered if I would ever feel like dancing again.

Those cognitive behaviour therapy tools I have spent many hours working through in my safe cocoon suddenly seemed to totally retreat to the darkest reaches of my tired and tangled brain.

I was feeling pressure and overwrought and seriously concerned for my shaky mental wellbeing.  I am feeling like this balloon ready to explode.  My poor husband who for seven weeks has been both Dad and Mum while still working, also visiting me in hospital, keeping my clothes clean and rotated and reassuring me all was well on the home front.  I totally lost it because the kitchen my kitchen where everything had it's place was suddenly in quite a state.  The kids water bottles were scattered amongst the coffee cups and the tupperware was in with the saucepans....need I say more.  I just was not able to leave until I had lovingly and irrationally placed all items in their correct homes.  In doing this one or two cupboards may have been slammed and then to break the camel's back smashed 3 of my most favourite vintage drinking glasses.

Shame on me really.  Seriously there are much more important issues in the scheme of things.  This is just another sign of how mental health can simply spiral out of control.  So I am now thinking breathe.  Stop and think.  Distract yourself.  Take it easy.  Remember your husband has shouldered it all.  As far as he is concerned they were put away.  So what if it was not anally where you expected them to be.

So I am fairly upset that I have not cruised through my first weekend home.  James certainly got me home were the horses spared? hmmmmmmmmm not sure but that black dog is lurking in the periphery.

Take care, please take care of your family and friends.  Particularly the ones who regularly disappear off the radar.  They won't ask for help but they definitely would gratefully accept it.

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