Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Pardon My Craziness

Wow I have been absent for quite some time.  And looking back, that time was a most difficult and sad time for me.  I have been battling depression for almost 8 years.  It has been a very slow insidious slide down to rock bottom.  I had forgotten how to live, I had forgotten to laugh, love and enjoy.  I had no pleasure in life, I found nothing to look forward to.  I had become comfortably numb to quote Pink Floyd (sans the drugs).

So I am at the tail end of my 5th week in hospital.  A hospital where I have received help with my depression. With no discharge date yet in sight.  I have also completed a three week cognitive behaviour therapy course. Which I must say was the best thing I have done just for myself in a very long time.  I have gone to art classes and discovered a talent.  I have started writing poetry again.  I have reflected and remembered.  I have worked hard and confronted uncomfortable realities.  I have had my medication tweaked and then tweaked again.  I am almost there.  I wanted to share some poems from my time here in hospital.

The Return
Sliding down
So slowly
No-one knows
Seems no-one cares

Rock bottom
No pain
No feeling
Isolated but loved

Now removed
Yet safe
Cared & loved
Remembering life lived

Hoping wanting
Yearning feeling
Crying missing
My return awaits

Broken and beautiful
A crystal smashed
The shards are sharp
Held in the sun
Reflecting the light

No.1 Son
Baby baby born tonight
You're the one I dreamt of
My hopes my dreams
Now they're yours

Wait I am told
He needs more help
Still perfect, yet
Still loved, adored

My grief unmeasured
The challenge too much
My heart lay bare
My tears filled lakes

Those hopes
Those dreams
Now in trust
Kept, savoured, waiting for you

Fuck people who stare
Fuck people who tsk
Fuck people who judge
Keep your narrow minded opinions
Keep your ignorance
Keep your prejudiced whispers
This child is not naughty
Not a tantrum you see
He is releasing a feeling
Letting go
To start all over again

I feel unseen
I feel unheard
But my tears are wet
My pain is real

I am tired
I hide in sleep
Lock the house
Hide the keys

The TV on
Snacks on hand
Kids run wild
Let Mummy sleep

Waking guilty
Couch potato
Husband cooks
Wife drinks

This afternoon I felt something
It was a foreign something
A bright sparkly foreign something
A remembered something
A longed for something
It was a glimpse
A fleeting glimpse
It was enough of a glimpse
I felt it for a second
And I will feel it again

Please if you ever feel down and need help, seek it.  See your GP, ring Lifeline 13 11 14 or check out this website Beyond Blue

This is me sanely zany back in better days - bring it on baby

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