Monday, August 8, 2011

This uphill battle

Today I had my first ever MRI.  Woah thankfully I had valium on board.  It was pretty intense.  I was shaking like a leaf and had my eyes squeezed shut so tight.  I knew if I opened them and had one glimpse of how enclosed I was I would be a goner.  But, I did it and came out of it with not a scar.

This is just the start of my climb.  It is not a small mountain I am about to set foot on either.  ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) is a long and quite invasive process.  It involves a general anaesthetic and then an electric current is passed through the brain between two electrodes placed on your scalp.  You are also given a muscle relaxant to help with the tension headache you will have afterward (from clenching your muscles during the shock).

This is not administered once, not twice or even three times.  For success you usually have between 9 and 12 of these sessions with no more then three a week.  Some people have even more. If you would like to read all about it in a objective nonsensationalist way click here.

Mental Illness is such an awful awful invisible illness.  You have to overcome stigma, your own guilt issues and so much more.  It doesn't just affect you, it affects your whole family.  It is like a cancer of the soul. I am lucky I have a wonderful supportive husband and Mother and also network of friends. They between them have taken control of all facets of my kids life and made sure that they are looked after, fed and also nurtured.  I still see them but seeing them in hospital is not the same.  I miss them like an amputee misses a limb.  I feel them when they are not there.

I dedicate the following song to all people who have and do suffer from mental illness.  It is a climb.  It is a daily battle and some days we win and some days we lose.  Remember, like the song says.  "sometimes they may knock us down but we're not breaking".  If you have to make this song your personal anthem.  Remember you are not alone.  We are there too holding hands and step by painful step we are climbing that same mountain.  We are breaking our nails, enduring exhaustion, facing our fears and we are going to get there.




The Climb lyrics
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going


And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

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