This morning, after I dropped the kids at school I toddled off to the grocery store to pick up some ground coffee for a friend. I was then going to spend the day with my friend who had just had a shoulder operation. For no reason, I was very tearful and could barely hold it together in the grocery store. I struggled to keep the bottom lip from trembling and the tears from rolling down my face. Then, arriving at my friend's house I just completely lost it altogether.
Why? Well I have had a tough week with my 8 year old son, who is autistic. He has not been well with a cold and this seems to make his behaviour far more challenging then usual. I am not good dealing with his oppositional behaviour. I tend to withdraw and then get quite depressed. Not good when you have to also run interference with your 6 year old daughter who sometimes needs protecting from the lashings out of Master Clay.
I rarely do the woe is, why did kind of banter but today I just could not stop thinking that this has been my life for 8 years now and will continue to be my life and nothing will change. Mostly I am positive and upbeat but today I just could not fathom another minute more.
Then it is all too easy to dwell on all the negatives in your life and the self-hatred escalates until you no longer have one friend and one thing worth being loved for.
Now while all this was happening in my poor muddled head, I was arriving at my life long friend's house and she does have the ability to really help put things into perspective. 'Thanks Ms S'
So now am going to count some of my blessings:
1. A husband who loves me unconditionally and will always put me and our kids first.
2. Beautiful children who are mostly a constant source of joy
3. Parents still alive and a sister who are always supportive
4. Friends that make me laugh and scare away my black dog
5. Roof over my head, bills paid and food in the fridge
6. A chilled glass of sauv blanc when the kids are in bed
8. A gorgeous Grandmother still alive who can still whip me at cards any day
So at times I have 8 more blessings then many others. Why is it that you cannot remember these things when you are so full of self-loathing and unhappiness.
Tomorrow, I will ignore the negative thoughts, light a cinnamon candle, turn up the music and sing loud and proud.