Not for the faint hearted

It has been awhile since I have written anything.  Reasons mostly because I have had nothing to write about.  I am just an empty dried up old husk taking up space.  I can't apologise for this post so please don't read further if you can't bear already what I have written.

In the past couple of weeks I have sunk to a new low.  A low that is dark and oppressive.  I am barely just existing and it has taken a lot of courage just to write today.  But I promised I would keep a written account of my journey no matter how dark and tangled it became.

I wish I could write otherwise.  I wish I could write how well I am doing and how involved in life I am.  But it really is completely the opposite.  I am feeling like such a failure.  I don't have the energy and even, I feel now, the skills to carry on a 'normal' life.  I have lost all sense of purpose and sense of self.

I saw my psychiatrist today and he has again increased my dosage of anti depressant and asked me to keep in close touch with him.  Should this increase fail then I am to be re-admitted into hospital for ECT (electroconvulsive therapy).

Please read the link if you wish to know more.  I can't even begin to describe it because I feel shame.  Shame that I have got to this stage, shame that I could not stop or halter my descent, shame that I have let down the people I love the most in my life and shame that I just am barely maintaining my own life.

I am not looking for pity just understanding and support.  You guys have got me this far and I know I can't do it alone.  If you have been able to read the full post, thanks for persisting, I hope this is the worst I face, I truly do.