Close to me

i've waited hours for this
i've made myself so sick
i wish i'd stayed 
asleep today

i never thought this day would end
i never thought tonight could ever be
this close to me

just try to see in the dark
just try to make it work
to feel the fear before you're here
i make the shapes come much too close
i pull my eyes out
hold my breath
and wait until i shake...

but if i had your faith
then i could make it safe and clean
if only i was sure
that my head on the door was a dream

i've waited hours for this
i've made myself so sick
i wish i'd stayed asleep today
i never thought this day would end
i never thought tonight could ever be
this close to me

but if i had your face
then i could make it safe and clean
if only i was surethat my head on the doorwas a dream to 


These are lyrics to a Cure song - Close to me.  It is how I am feeling.  The only difference is that I did stay asleep all day today.  I just could not face the negative headtalk.  I am so frustrated with myself.  You would think that the CBT course, all the follow up, all the time I have spent thinking, talking and writing would see this if not gone than dwindling and becoming less and less.


I feel this struggle is just becoming harder than it was before.  The only difference is I have names for what is happening and can use CBT skills to deal with it. BUT, they wolves' are still baying at the door.  Nothing has changed, in fact I feel it is worse.  I still feel numb.  I feel like I am going through the motions and am not really here.  I feel see through and invisible.


I am not happy about this.  In fact I am downright livid.  After what I have been through this year I expected things to be easing up and getting better.  My husband and kids deserve better.  I am just wasting space and it is not fair on them.


I don't have any answers, I pray tomorrow is a better day.  Things can't possibly get worse.